African American Muslims What’s their future? Part 2
The divorce rate in Muslim countries, though some say is slowly rising, is still very low. Especially when compared to the West. We hear this quoted all the time.Yet, I would say that if one were to do research on the divorce rate of Black American Muslims (converts), then one would likely find that the numbers, especially in larger cities, are through the roof.
It is not strange in some cities with large numbers of Black American converts to find a brother that has been married over 10 times by the age of 30! Sometimes, you will even find brothers that have been married 18-19 times. Many reading this know that this is NOT exaggeration, Allahul Musta’an.
I have personally seen cases in which the marriage only lasted 2-3 days! I could go on and on.
Obviously, there are many African American Muslims around the country who have done and are doing great things. But as a whole, what are the African American Muslims doing wrong that they bring these same issues from before Islam INTO Islam?
It seems to be another sign that many African Americans, instead of embracing Islam fully as an entire way of life, are only embracing the outward things such as thobes, beards, hijabs, etc and stopping there while not doing the wholesale change in one’s life that is required.
Many African Americans are holding onto one aspect of Islam, be it gaining knowledge or going to visit brothers for the Allah’s sake and leaving many other aspects by the wayside.
Is it that African Americans, because of the experiences many have growing up without fathers and solid family structure, have a hard time fully conceptualizing the well functioning Islamic family system, where the husband-father dutifully provides for the family in return for the woman taking care of his home and his children?
The Islamic system also has two elements missing in the African American community at large: stigmatization of illegitimacy and high paternal investment in children. Obviously, African American Muslims know and believe that the Islamic system is the best combination of quantity of children and quality of a child’s upbringing, but actually putting it into practice or getting past the slogans is where things are going wrong.
In African American communities, patriarchy collapsed during the 1960s and the illegitimacy rate began to go through the roof. In fact, right now some 70% of African American children (perhaps more) are born out of wedlock. In the American inner city, the quantity of children has been high, but the quality of upbringing has been low. Men have little to no incentive to invest in educating and disciplining children, so young African American males are more likely to grow up to be irresponsible and violent. And the cycle has been spinning out of control since the 60’s. These things cannot simply be dismissed when they become Muslim.
With the issues that most African Americans have in their past, we need to address these issues instead of addressing their problems as if they are from Pakistan, Saudi Arabia or even black countries like Nigeria or Senegal. Indeed African Americans will have issues that you will not find even in white American converts as a whole.
So a person, who grew up under the above conditions, takes shahaadah. Can he be expected to suddenly know the importance, in reality, of a father in the home now? Can we truly expect him to know what true paternal investment is or understand its importance?
The fact that many of these same brothers get married multiple times, leaving children (though legitimate) all over the place is proof of the fact that they do not. While, alhamdulillah, one huge problem (illegitimate births) is corrected, another problem remains, that if not corrected, the children will end up confused and/or even apostating. May Allah protect us all.
The African American Muslims who converted in the 1970’s lost many children to disbelief, and we are in danger now of repeating the very same mistakes. Many of those who became Muslim will once again be the only person in their family that did so. I pray that we change this situation before this starts to happen again.
The African American Muslim community in many segments is already being forced into yet another matriarchal social structure similar to (but certainly not as bad as) the one in the African American community at large. And because this is so out of line with the rest of the Muslim community, the Ummah world-wide, and Islam itself, it seriously hinders the progress of the group as a whole, and particularly hurts the African American Muslim women and children.
This matriarcial system, unfortunately, is following the African Americans into Islam, and we are beginning to find that the women are getting more educated than the men (because they have to) and are finding better jobs and establishing a more stable life for themselves, while legions of African American Muslim men claiming to be “students of knowledge” are doing nothing to establish a stable Islamic home.
Again, (Does it need to be said?) obviously there are many African American Muslim couples that have managed to break this cycle and alhamdulillah have established stable Islamic homes in which they are raising outstanding children with good Islamic moral character and are making sure that they receive a good education both Islamically and secularly. But how often is this not the case?
The last 10-15 years have been a disaster, marriage-wise, for many African American converts. And now there is an entire legion of children from those disaster marriages that are growing up right now confused from all the madness that they have seen in the name of Islam.
There need to be more Islamic family counseling done for converts, particularly African Americans. More Khutbahs need to be given stressing the importance of the solid family structure and fatherhood in Islam. Getting a good education and/or a good skill should be stressed as a part of providing for one’s family. I have personally known numerous situations where young African-American Muslims were encouraged to quit school. We need to stop this and encourage them to not only stay in college and graduate, but get involved in Muslim student da’wah activities. We need to tell them that being a responsible husband and father is part of being a good Muslim as well. We need to tell them that by having a good job, we can contribute more money to our communities. We need to encourage young single African American Muslims to make good decisions in choosing a spouse after getting economically established and involved in their respective communities instead of making rash decisions that they will later regret.
These are real issues that affect African American Muslims specifically and the rest of the American Muslim community in general. We can’t make these problems go away by closing our eyes and wishing. Our only hope to manage these problems properly is to study it honestly.
Filed under: Black American Muslims, Convert Issues
very well written piece brother and very true. The divorce rate is very high in the African-American Muslim community but this comes from the culture outside of the deen. Matriachy will always fail because it is an unatural way. Man was made to be khalifah.
My husband and I were just talking about this. It is so distressing to see this with people we know.
But I don’t see why the problem is all about matriarchy. Well I do see a problem in that alot of brothers don’t know how to be leaders, particualarly how to provide for a family and they don’t really have strong work ethic. Of course sisters can be way too emasculating and impatient. But I know plenty of Desi women who are no push overs and basically run their families and still maintain their marriages. But I guess they come from cultures that respect marriage and are willing to make the sacrifices to maintain it.
In our community it seems just the basic skills of having a relationship are not known. Add to that poor understanding of the deen and people get divorced for the most trivial things. There is no understanding of patience, compassion, serving others. And its the kids that suffer. These parents don’t realize or care maybe about the risk to the kids deen. Not too many kids are going to stay Muslim when they see all this kind of drama growing up.
I wish more leaders would deal with this issue head on. It seems like only WD Muhammad’s community tried to address it (in some cities) but its really turning into a crisis.
I agree sister. It is my hope that the community leaders can take up this issue, Insha Allah. First thing we have to do is recognize the problem. I think that we are still in denial of what is right in front of our very eyes
Is it possible some are converting to Islam for the wrong reasons?
A strong marriage is the key to a strong community. The brother has brought up many excellent points. We choose to place emphasis on very trivial things as opposed to seriously concentrating on family stability, economic development and higher education. Before my wife and I were married I looked for Islamic premarital counseling but what I found had no depth. We ended up going to a church that offered an excellent pre-marital counseling program aside from the occasional referenced to Jesus being God. Our Imams need to be trained councilors and should not marry couples that haven’t been counseled. I have witnessed people, whom I’ve never seen before, popping up at the masjid out of the blue to get married, only to never see them again after the wedding. The sad reality is that many of our brothers and sisters are using marriage to replace the boyfriends and girlfriends of their pre-Islamic days. They seem to feel justified to get married and divorced many times as opposed to fornicating. As the brother points out in his blog, the outcomes are still the same.
As-salaam alaykum,
Br. Ishmail
You are right…The fact is that too many view the concept of marriage as a means to halal sex and stop there.
Bismillah, FYI
This is a post I sent out recently to AA Muslims regarding this article on AA and marriage in general:
How real are these same concerns and statistics within the African-American Muslim community? Without any hard numbers, I believe the percentage of married muslims would be higher than in the general population. However, I have heard “professional” sisters complain about the lack of similarly situated marrigable brothers. And I have also observerd a number of single brothers who seem to be making no visible effort towards marriage. And virtually no one seems to be considering pologamy, which would seem to be a reasonable remedy, as a serious viable option. Then there are a number of marrigages between native americans, both male and female, and immigrants, some successful and others not so. I would be interested in hearing your views on the state of marriage within the African American Muslim community in general, and within our model Islamic community in particular.
Peace, Curtis Sharif
Houston, Texas
The Washington Post
‘Marriage Is for White People’
By Joy Jones
Sunday, March 26, 2006; B01
I grew up in a time when two-parent families were still the norm, in both black and white America. Then, as an adult, I saw divorce become more commonplace, then almost a rite of passage. Today it would appear that many — particularly in the black community — have dispensed with marriage altogether.
But as a black woman, I have witnessed the outrage of girlfriends when the ex failed to show up for his weekend with the kids, and I’ve seen the disappointment of children who missed having a dad around. Having enjoyed a close relationship with my own father, I made a conscious decision that I wanted a husband, not a live-in boyfriend and not a “baby’s daddy,” when it came my time to mate and marry.
My time never came.
For years, I wondered why not. And then some 12-year-olds enlightened me.
“Marriage is for white people.”
That’s what one of my students told me some years back when I taught a career exploration class for sixth-graders at an elementary school in Southeast Washington. I was pleasantly surprised when the boys in the class stated that being a good father was a very important goal to them, more meaningful than making money or having a fancy title.
“That’s wonderful!” I told my class. “I think I’ll invite some couples in to talk about being married and rearing children.”
“Oh, no,” objected one student. “We’re not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers.”
And that’s when the other boy chimed in, speaking as if the words left a nasty taste in his mouth: “Marriage is for white people.”
He’s right. At least statistically. The marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics have caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.
How have we gotten here? What has shifted in African American customs, in our community, in our consciousness, that has made marriage seem unnecessary or unattainable?
Although slavery was an atrocious social system, men and women back then nonetheless often succeeded in establishing working families. In his account of slave life and culture, “Roll, Jordan, Roll,” historian Eugene D. Genovese wrote: “A slave in Georgia prevailed on his master to sell him to Jamaica so that he could find his wife, despite warnings that his chances of finding her on so large an island were remote. . . . Another slave in Virginia chopped his left hand off with a hatchet to prevent being sold away from his son.” I was stunned to learn that a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents during slavery days than he or she is today, according to sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin.
Traditional notions of family, especially the extended family network, endure. But working mothers, unmarried couples living together, out-of-wedlock births, birth control, divorce and remarriage have transformed the social landscape. And no one seems to feel this more than African American women. One told me that with today’s changing mores, it’s hard to know “what normal looks like” when it comes to courtship, marriage and parenthood. Sex, love and childbearing have become a la carte choices rather than a package deal that comes with marriage. Moreover, in an era of brothers on the “down low,” the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and the decline of the stable blue-collar jobs that black men used to hold, linking one’s fate to a man makes marriage a risky business for a black woman.
“A woman who takes that step is bold and brave,” one young single mother told me. “Women don’t want to marry because they don’t want to lose their freedom.”
Among African Americans, the desire for marriage seems to have a different trajectory for women and men. My observation is that black women in their twenties and early thirties want to marry and commit at a time when black men their age are more likely to enjoy playing the field. As the woman realizes that a good marriage may not be as possible or sustainable as she would like, her focus turns to having a baby, or possibly improving her job status, perhaps by returning to school or investing more energy in her career.
As men mature, and begin to recognize the benefits of having a roost and roots (and to feel the consequences of their risky bachelor behavior), they are more willing to marry and settle down. By this time, however, many of their female peers are satisfied with the lives they have constructed and are less likely to settle for marriage to a man who doesn’t bring much to the table. Indeed, he may bring too much to the table: children and their mothers from previous relationships, limited earning power, and the fallout from years of drug use, poor health care, sexual promiscuity. In other words, for the circumspect black woman, marriage may not be a business deal that offers sufficient return on investment.
In the past, marriage was primarily just such a business deal. Among wealthy families, it solidified political alliances or expanded land holdings. For poorer people, it was a means of managing the farm or operating a household. Today, people have become economically self-sufficient as individuals, no longer requiring a spouse for survival. African American women have always had a high rate of labor-force participation. “Why should well-salaried women marry?” asked black feminist and author Alice Dunbar-Nelson as early as 1895. But now instead of access only to low-paying jobs, we can earn a breadwinner’s wage, which has changed what we want in a husband. “Women’s expectations have changed dramatically while men’s have not changed much at all,” said one well-paid working wife and mother. “Women now say, ‘Providing is not enough. I need more partnership.’ ”
The turning point in my own thinking about marriage came when a longtime friend proposed about five years ago. He and I had attended college together, dated briefly, then kept in touch through the years. We built a solid friendship, which I believe is a good foundation for a successful marriage.
But — if we had married, I would have had to relocate to the Midwest. Been there, done that, didn’t like it. I would have had to become a stepmother and, although I felt an easy camaraderie with his son, stepmotherhood is usually a bumpy ride. I wanted a house and couldn’t afford one alone. But I knew that if I was willing to make some changes, I eventually could.
As I reviewed the situation, I realized that all the things I expected marriage to confer — male companionship, close family ties, a house — I already had, or were within reach, and with exponentially less drama. I can do bad by myself, I used to say as I exited a relationship. But the truth is, I can do pretty good by myself, too.
Most single black women over the age of 30 whom I know would not mind getting married, but acknowledge that the kind of man and the quality of marriage they would like to have may not be likely, and they are not desperate enough to simply accept any situation just to have a man. A number of my married friends complain that taking care of their husbands feels like having an additional child to raise. Then there’s the fact that marriage apparently can be hazardous to the health of black women. A recent study by the Institute for American Values, a nonpartisan think tank in New York City, indicates that married African American women are less healthy than their single sisters.
By design or by default, black women cultivate those skills that allow them to maintain themselves (or sometimes even to prosper) without a mate.
“If Jesus Christ bought me an engagement ring, I wouldn’t take it,” a separated thirty-something friend told me. “I’d tell Jesus we could date, but we couldn’t marry.”
And here’s the new twist. African American women aren’t the only ones deciding that they can make do alone. Often what happens in black America is a sign of what the rest of America can eventually expect. In his 2003 book, “Mismatch: The Growing Gulf between Women and Men,” Andrew Hacker noted that the structure of white families is evolving in the direction of that of black families of the 1960s. In 1960, 67 percent of black families were headed by a husband and wife, compared to 90.9 percent for whites. By 2000, the figure for white families had dropped to 79.8 percent. Births to unwed white mothers were 22.5 percent in 2001, compared to 2.3 percent in 1960. So my student who thought marriage is for white people may have to rethink that in the future.
Still, does this mean that marriage is going the way of the phonograph and the typewriter ribbon?
“I hope it isn’t,” said one friend who’s been married for seven years. “The divorce rate is 50 percent, but people remarry. People want to be married. I don’t think it’s going out of style.”
A black male acquaintance had a different prediction. “I don’t believe marriage is going to be extinct, but I think you’ll see fewer people married,” he said. “It’s a bad thing. I believe it takes the traditional family — a man and a woman — to raise kids.” He has worked with troubled adolescents, and has observed that “the girls who are in the most trouble and who are abused the most — the father is absent. And the same is true for the boys, too.” He believes that his presence and example in the home is why both his sons decided to marry when their girlfriends became pregnant.
But human nature being what it is, if marriage is to flourish — in black or white America — it will have to offer an individual woman something more than a business alliance, a panacea for what ails the community, or an incubator for rearing children. As one woman said, “If it weren’t for the intangibles, the allure of the lovey-dovey stuff, I wouldn’t have gotten married. The benefits of marriage are his character and his caring. If not for that, why bother?”
joythink@aol.com
Joy Jones, a Washington writer, is the author of “Between Black Women: Listening With the Third Ear” (African American Images).
My friends and I have had many discussions on this topic. You mentioned that young muslims have sometimes been encouraged to stop attending college, a related matter is the pressure young married couples feel to start having children. Although I am no Islamic scholar, it seems wrong to pressure people to have children when they have not had a chance to cement thier own relationships. Postponing children, not for fear of poverty, seems reasonable to me. In my community many of the Imams don’t have a good command of the English languge and are incapable of counceling young couples. It might be wise to advise young people in college to consider degrees in councling. Another related matter is the difficulty African American sisters have in finding a Muslim mate. Many of the Islamic websites are full with other nationalities often stressing thier desires for fair, slim, professional Muslilm women.
Camille:
This is correct. Complete strangers are encouraged to get married, then pressured to have children right away. Then they find out they have almost nothing in common. Then because finances are an issue, it escalates the problems.
REALITY must be addressed in these situations and we have been trained to ignore it.
[...] In the context of Black American Muslims, I have personally come to believe, based on my extensive travels to many masjids in different cities across the US, and working with Muslims in the prison system (and after they get out) that the situation is much more dire. [...]
[...] If you have someone in mind, do you really agree with the way that this person raises children? Do you even know how he raises his children? What are his goals? Does this person put the emphasis on education that you do? [...]
Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is troubling their hearts…Allah is Greater!
Salaam,
…Stigmatization of illegitimacy in terms of the sex act, not the child…
Aneesah:
wa alaykum as-salaam
Yes, I meant the stigmatization of the act
I understand where you are coming from, but as an African American Muslim male WHO IS trying to do the right thing it becomes difficult when you want to find a wife. Thanks to those the African American brothers in the Muslim community who are not doing right. I received two college degrees; I got an apartment in an upscale part of town and good job in the financial services industry. I even got on the board of directors for a major Masjid in the immigrant community here in Chicago. Yet for years I could not find ANY Muslim woman who wanted to marry me. I looked in both the immigrant and Black communities, but what I got from the black sisters were negative comments that I was not manly (i.e. black) enough. Many African American sisters did not even want to deal with me. Even though elder sister in the black community thought I was a good catch (the standards were so low however that one elder sister was impressed that I had a online bank account let alone JOB!). I was not looking for a girl friend but life partner. I did my best to internalize the Islamic akeedah to the best of my ability taking Arabic classes etc.
To Bashir Julien,
I would like to suggest to you to visit some West African countries. You have MANY beautiful, good muslim women in countries such as Burkina Faso, Mali, Guinea etc. who are highly educated and will treat you like a king. Their families are not greedy and racist so they won’t charge you an arm and a leg for the dowry.
I would recommend that you take a vacation to visit some of these places to see for yourself. You won’t be disappointed.
Salam.
To brother Bashir Julien (part two)
I would advise you to first be happy with your current wife and tactfully convince her of the benefits of Islam. Usually, a good woman like your wife will eventually become a muslimah. But I think all of us African-American men should not exclude our motherland when searching for a wife.
Peace.
As a 80’s female convert, what i have experienced is: after all the Love and glory of Al-Islam ending up
raising 4 as a single parent
seeing my religious and cultural world turn upside down
continuously experiencing poverity and lack of economic
resource from not continueing my education and aquiring a degree/also a result of parental guidance (no parents) or structure. Let alone societal factors and
No spouse
what i want to ask is do we see what is still happening to us. as african americans and black people. we are disunified, misrepresented, economically disenfrantized and at an even greater disadvantage to ourselves and each other, we are seen and perceptionalized as one of lowest people on the totem pole in american society. I feel that we need to pull together and demand what we need for ourselves. Demand to treat each other with love and respect, demand that from others, demand that our families stay together demand that our children get educated demand that we educate ourselves so that we can do what is necessary to succeed and make change and a difference for who WE are. as the people we are and have been in history. and not as slaves! we study and live many of our past cultural ties but we do nothing for ourselves.
as-salaamu-alaikum,
I thoroughly understand what you are expressing. I am currently married for a little over 3 years, Alhamdulillah. My first marriage lasted for nearly 15 years. In between I experienced two “marriages” that lasted only a few days. Two of my wives(my first and my current) were not Muslims when I met them. My first wife became Muslim a month before we married and my current wife took shahadah right before the nikkah.
I am perhaps an exception to the brothers who are the focus of your article. My parents are still together today. All my siblings are my full blooded siblings. As well as my first cousins. We were born in the early 60’s.
Growing up I had a strong sense of family. The divorce from my first wife was totally devestating. The hardest thing was not living with my four children. Alhamdulillah I have a child by my current wife and another one on the way. I stay in constant contact with my first four children. It is, of course, a struggle in all aspects, however, as Allah says in Qur’an: With every hardship comes ease. Verily with every hardship comes ease.
Some Sister’s like Thug Muslims …aoothubillah
[...] This speaks for itself. Sadly, there seems to be very little concept of
ASA Brothers and Sister:
This posting was very intersting and inashallh, I would like someone to send me part 1 to khabir79@yahoo.com.
I cannot tell you how true brother Bashir Julien is. From a sisters perspective, I go through the same thing. I am a well educated Muslimah, late 20’s, well-mannered, Islamic schooling as well as a Bachelors in Marketing and in the home stretch of a Master’s in Communications. I make good money, although I do reside at home while finishing my degree. I am active in my local masjid, hosting events and monthly Islamic radio broadcast in Philly. But the pickings are slim here. Either these brothers want to be thugs, or they are threatend by a sister with a good career, come from a good family, good education and has real attainble goals. These brothers claim they want “a strong educated sister.” But from my experience, I truly doubt if they mean what they are saying. These brothers want to marry their mothers, play playstation all day and make babies they are not prepared to provide for. Its said because these are characteristics used to describe unbelieving men with no repect for women. As a Muslimah I should be safe from these sort of men but they are a growing force within the ummah. Sisters like myself are often advised to “dumb down” themselves in order to be “marketable” as a suitable wife. OUTRAGEOUS! In other cases, as brotherTariq mentioned, brothers and sisters throw compatibility to the wind and progress only because of their sexual desire for one another. At some point the ummah must take some rsponsibility for this because we seem to think that sex education will fall from the heavens. Not so. I remember very clearly my mother siting me down to discuss the changes in my body as a young girl, how important it was to guard my chastity, what was lawful and what was not. i cannot tell you how many ofmy friends new little to nothing about sexual relations or thir bodies for that matte prior to their wedding night. Moreover, we must teach our sisters and brothers that romance is not haram. Women are women and we desire to be wooed. As long as the brother in question has the permission of the wali, why can’t he send her his potential wife flowers, a fruit basket or perhaps a book of poetry? We must teach our sisters to have high standards, and not dismiss what has been set by the sunnah. Certian behavior must be universally unacceptable. No he cannot ask you how long your hair is. Not he cannot see you at the corner of the masjid alone. No he should not call you with out receiving permission from you wali. No his friend cannot be your wali. No you cannot ave my number, my wali is standing over there.
These should be universal deal breakers. As long as there are sisters willing to play the game, brothers will continue to run game. And vice versa for those sisters only intersted in the few Muslim professional athletes, the brother who get his money from haram acts such as selling drugs (big in Philly), and whatever else I truely do not care to imagine.
And lastly, we need to stop seeing marriage as a ball and chain situation. Brothers act like they are going to the electric chair when they get married. We need to be realistic and realize that your life will change but it does not have to be negative. i have more to say but ?I fear I won’t be able to stop. Until later inshallah.
ASA Brothers and sisters in Islam, I agree with most of the forementioned writers who seem to think that there is a relationship/marriage crisis in Islam. I believe that at least some of these problems stem from our group experience. In Ralph Ellison’s book, “The Invisible Man”, the author states and I paraphrase, that the worse thing that happened to us during slavery was that, we were not allowed or (made) to shoulder our social responsibility. Our
negligence is this area still haunts us today. Most of us don’t have enougprevious generations where men, in their roles and women, in their roles, shared in the responsibility for their families. I believe most of us tend to be like the families from which we come. My wife and I have been very fortunate in that both of our parents were married and stayed together until they were separated by death. We didn’t experience perfect parents or perfect marriages but we saw parents who worked through problems in their own unique ways. My wife and I married 41 years ago just prior to converting to Islam in the Old Nation of Islam. We were both about 20yo and withouth the benefit of the guidance available to Muslims but we made a pact. We agreed that I nor she was always right but “Rigjt is always Right.” We agreed that I didn’t have to submit to her nor she to me but we’d both submit to what is generally known and accepted to be right. Of course, this requires a degree of humility and this is one of the areas where their needs to be compatibility. Allah(SWT) has blessed this union with three college-educated children including a doctor. In closing, I’d like to recommend that we view marriage not so much as an act between and for two people but one that has the most impact on family and societal lifem and that the married couples commit to that which brings the greater good. Thanks for this subject.
ASA,
As another Muslimah, I am thankful for this article. I want to point out two things that I feel need to be stressed.
One of them is related to honesty. Many African-American Muslim men reverts were/are attracted to Islam with other intentions in mind. They feel it will give them the respect as men that has been missing for men of color in a Western society. However sometimes their ego overcomes them, which is not Islamic, and they also feel they can have many wives and/or dominate their women while not providing for them. To have a wife or wives, you must provide for them equally. Not depend on welfare to do that or for the women to support you and other wives. Islam needs to be followed in all aspects. The intention in all things Islamic need to be sincere. We are to be Muslims to please and serve Allah; not our egos and sexual desires alone.
Second as a sister I think it is important to not stress on the African-American brothers alone. This is VERY important. The reason I say this is that in the African-American society yes it is more matriarchal. Women have been the heads of households for far too long. And the result of it is some very arrogant sisters who refuse to give any control to a man who is trying to be the new head of the household. There are sisters who have a problem with cooking or even cleaning for a man. She is not comfortable with a woman’s role within a family. Either she wants a man or wants to be a man but a sister can’t have it both ways if she is trying to create a traditional family. Yes, it is new territory for sisters who have never seen a man or father figure take control. So they resist it and can lose the opportunity for a man who is a leader. However, again, a male leader needs to also be a financial provider to his wife and family.
So as a result, yes parenting classes, family counseling, and etc. are sorely needed for the community to survive and learn about family vales and responsibility This needs to a top priority for the African-American survival.
If i will have a help from you to get mariage in you community i’ll be glad
thankyou
This article first appeared in March of 2006, here now at the close of 2006, December, the responses continue.
Clearly a testament to it’s importance and the prevelance of the issue highlighted.
In the Qu’ran Allah says:
I am an African American female revert. I have been married for 2yrs now, my husband is from Ghana, West Africa. Believe it or not I have not met any or just a very few Afircan American Muslim(maybe it my location). I feel that the main problem with this issue of dissolving muslim relationships is plain and simple: ignorance. Ignorant people do not have a desire to educate them selves. They will follow any pattern that my sound appealing to them on the surface. Like our past Brother Malik el Shabazz once told a young brother: ” do not join an organization unless you know what their all about”. or something like that
Continued….
An issue of young brothers and sisters following what they think is Islam plays a huge role in the lack of understanding of what Allah has deemed as Islam. The question is where are they learning these misconceptions? Is it the life which they lead before converstion? Is it the example of the community? Is it the lack of a strong family structure? Is it the divided ummah? Answer: all of the above. Like we all know the lessons of life begin in the home. It is sad and confusing to see how people bring their negative cultural practices into Islam and them proclaim them to be the Islamic way. What can we do?
Denounce wrong, pull your fellow Brother and/or Sister asside and give them the best of your knowledge and then help them to find the solution.
Set up a lecture at your mosque.
Be the example.
Dont assume that they should now better. You may be suprised at the lack there of.
Teach your children that Islam is designed to be an easy way for the believer.
ASA
This article is the topic that many of my discussions. I too am educated, professional, but I’m divorced and rearing my son pretty much alone. By Allah’s mercy my turbulent marriage ended before my son could see the physical and mental abuse that we (note: not only he) heaped on one another. I’m still single for the reasons mentioned previosly, in addition to the fact that I want my son to see Muslim families working!!!! His father is 2x divorced with a daughter and I found out recently she left because he secretly married someone. Naturally such a act of betrayal , turned the sister away from Allah’s deen because everywhere she went to get aid (their masjid) there was none. The brothers she sought help/counsel from thought as her (our) ex. He was unable to maintain and provide for her and their daughter (in addition to our son).
In addition to my issue with this kind of brother is the one that alot of brothers have bad experiences with an African American Muslimah and then turn to younger, “slimmer”, taller, Arab or African (usually north and west) sisters. I aint mad atcha, brothers…but good night??? So we dont even try “our” love again??? I either read it somewhere, that you should try to marry w/in your own culture. And true to form, I believe alot of Afri=Amer Muslim women try to do that.
Polygyny??? Well, I’ve given it a passing thought, but in all honesty, that isnt for me.
I think my son and I deserve a father who will be there for us without me having to worry with who he is or is not visiting.
I’ve recently entertained the thought of a Caucasian brother, but when I’ve enquired about a few brothers that I know of, they want the younger (hey I dont hear my biological clock chiming anytime soon) Arab or north AFrican women too…hmmmm…I see a trend, maybe.
Anyway…as a non-Muslim male friend of mine put it who has lived/worked in the Islamic world and studied our “beautiful expression of religion” (as he calls it), “brothers have seen patriarchy as a plus in Islam and have gravated to it, but have brought some backward thinking into this way beautiful way of life…I’m sure that the Quran and Prophet Muhammad (SAW) preached on family/social responsibility and that imams speak of family and social responsibility…are they (the Afr-Am brothers) not there those Fridays??? “
as salaamu alaikum Brother Tariq
you have written an accurate account of our condition. this situation deeply concerns me. i just read the article in the Muslim Link this past friday and i’d like to work with you and anyone else who would be interested in changing this trend. i’ve been trying to get involved in pre-marital counseling, but i haven’t had much success. please respond when you have the time. thank you. wa salaam Nadirah
Salaam,
The first thing that stuck out in my mind was the word “city.” Most people, not just blacks, view their daily lives as a “hustle” just to get by, they carry this into their work day and unfortunately their social activties. Yes, I am black and yes I am a Muslim convert, but I didn’t grow up in the city. Black men in these areas have taken the attitude of being a man still being how many women (sisters) they can get and macho posturing through their block. There is no sense of responsibility. I would say and i believe accurately, when brothers become Muslim the masjid, Imam or fellow worshippers don’t emphasize the sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) of how he dealt with his wives, how he NEVER struck his wife, was diplomatic, etc. This doesn’t mean women don’t have culpability, especially if they’re from the same background, but at this time, I believe blacks see Islam with hope and don’t have guidance to leave their old ways that is emphasized in music and cultural stereotypes. I think all masajids could use a trained Muslim counselor, we all have issues dealing with the psychology of the mind, that’s just cloaked over with Arabic quotes, salaams, and events at the masjid.
p.s.: a statistical assessment would be good too!
An educated Muslimah (who happens to be “black”)
Asalamalaikum Brother Tariq,
Good article. Keep it up!
As a mix-raced Muslim revert of an African father from Ghana and a white mother from England, I truly appreciate the needs to report and comment about the Black Muslims and contributions of Islam in lives of Africans today and in the past.
This is very important. According to a recent lecture and sermon by the West African scholar of Islam Shrikh Abu Abdullah Adelabu it is dutiful of every Black Muslim to learn about Islam including the way Islam spread in Africa and relate it to the people in efforts to address bad influences of colonization, slavery, and westernization in sub-Sahara and beyond
A recent article by another American Muslim emphasizes on this need in the US too as an effort to better inform people about the Muslims - especially the skeptical African Americans who had been so ill-informed about Islam and what Islam had achieved for their civilization
It’s not an understatement to suggest the Black Christians are more hotile to the Muslims than any other Kufaar. In fact, the Balck Christian either African Americans or Africans are more aggressive in their approaches towards the Muslims in their communities, nations, or continents
As a son of an African pastor and Anglican Envagelical whom Allah has redeemed from ignorance, fanaticism, prejudice, and all other evils of the Black Christians, I have every authority in this observation. Before I reverted to Islam I too was very anti-Islamic and even usually contempted African Muslims students of Islamic knowledge as barbaric and lazy.
Al-hamdu lillah, today I am better enlightened and constantly studying to know more about my Glorious Faith of Islam. I am a registered student at AWQAF African Muslim Open College in my birth and residency city of London. I therefore, invite you to join me studying at this beneficial Muslim institution. I also suggest you become a contributor of articles to http://www.esinislam.com and its affiliates. It’s easy to post your articles on these African Muslim Website. Just e-mail any article you have to publish to articles@esinislam.com
You have a lot to offer, I believe. Let people benefit from your articles contributions - And jazaakaAllah khaira
I look forward to hearing from you Brother Tariq
Yours in Islam
Kevin Kofi (Now proudly Muslim Khalid Kofi)
kevinkofi@yahoo.com
I am a little skeptical of Kofi’s story… the same website has been posted on several blogs. The story is too ‘typical’ in terms of saying the ‘right things’ to attract sympathy/attention. This just doesn’t pass the “smell test”, esp. from the heartland of internet fraud (Nigeria, Ghana from Africa, and Indonesia from Asia rank at the top of internet crime).
I would be very careful about giving any personal information on this website, and especially any ‘donations’ before these claims can be independently verified.
The problem with this verification is how? Perhaps there is someone that is well known among the blog circles who is from Nigeria (or wherever this site is located) and can vouch for this.
I’m very glad to see that Allah has redeemed you from the “ignorance, fanaticism, predjudice, and all other evils of the Black Christians”
I personally find this statement of yours to be quite disgusting, but it’s great that you’re so much better than them now. You really do sound like you’ve left all your ignorance and predjudice behind you.
[...] = Underachievement I feel that understanding this attitude is important because many of them bring this same attitude into Islam and dress it with righteous vocabulary. If a black child is asking another one “why [...]
being a young afr. amer. muslim convert myself recently married I think the community one belongs to needs to stress more marraige counsling, male female role development, and overall afr. amer. must love and fear Allah more than they do their partners the Quran will never let you down the strong oath you gave to Allah when you think about your soul it makes you humble and want to try harder and forgive petty things in the marraige, salaam!
[...] one, married to black women and on the prowl for a second or third wife
Peace be to you. My name is Rofiel Farahkhan. This is my first time reading or visiting this web site. I am an African American Muslim Man. My mother is/or was Jibreel Isa Farahkhan. My fathers name is Amin Ali Farahkhan. I am 34 years of age. I’ve never been married and have no children. I have been a Muslim all of my life. My parents converted to Islam in the 70’s. This was a time when life as an African American was full of despair, developed from hopelessness and lact of knowledge. We as a people were just beginning to open our eyes to see a future for ourselves. But. even with knowledge their must be the forturtude of faith and belief. ( Psalms 23– For thou art with me thy Rod and thy staff). The economic system in which the American people must endure is not with out is own flaws. We must remember our history. This is not to cast blame, or dwell in the horrors of our linage. We must understand that our past has dictated our present.
W. E. B. Dubois stated that with out equal resources their is not a true equality. This is a statement about our Capitalistic Society. Our society dictates the life in which we live. Prosperity is designated by its design. We can not fall in trapped with the desire for success in the culture. Yet, we must live. We as a pple must not put our faith in the personal development with in the society. Our success must come from our faith and relationship with (ALLAH) God. Personal acquisitions (capital) is not guaranteed. The citizens in this country is labeled by their acquisitions (amount of capital). He is presented by class. The low class citizen has less than the middle class citizen. The middle class citizen has less than the high class citizen. These are things that you may all ready know. But, if you pay close attention to its structure you may see a duplication of our (HISTORICAL) living conditions.
I was watching television one day. Their were a movie about a man teaching some inter city children, which where in detention at school, how to dance. Now, he decided to do this for free. No Charge. He had took it upon him self to teach not just any form of dancing but ball room dancing. Now, Ballroom Dancing is dignified, classy and majestic. It takes digity, discipline and dedication to perform. In this simple form he was not only teaching them to dance. He was also teaching them how to perform in their every day lives.
HOW DOES THIS ADDRESS THE ISSUE OF MAN AND WOMAN RELATIONSHIPS TODAY? With out a vision of a future you may loss hope. And with out hope, you may loss your ability to be dignified , to want to do right verses wrong, to be dedicated or committed to any thing, to follow rules and regulations that any group. religion or society may have. By any definitions you lose your ability to be a CIVILIZIDE HUMAN BEING.
It is very easy to say to a man, “just get a job, go to school, get educated, and you will have great success, if you put your mind to it.” This is not necessarily true. An individual may work very deligently at the persuit of advancement for him self. But, this does not guarantee him success in this society. Remember is take more than just the will to fight in this society , it also take resources. Things are not all equal.
We must learn to bill up our own HOUSES. By this I mean fight with ones self to develop the growth of each other and our selves. The sacrifice of yourself of your time of your mind and of your hearts is what is needed to re-build our homes. We must learn how to give of our selves to each other with out requirement or desire for personal gain. The achievement and success is in the act of GIVING TO EACH OTHER. America is a great country it can be better , if we stop looking for it to provide for our improvement. It takes a great people to have a great country.
My mother once spoke to me about the roles of each individual with in a house whole. She spoke about the necessity of MAN being a MAN and a WOMAN being a WOMAN, and necessity of them understand the roles and responsibities of each other. But, she said that you must first understand what a MAN and what a WOMAN = (IS). When she spoke of these things, she said look to natural order of things. WHAT SEPARATES US (HUMANS) FROM ANY OTHER CREATURE ON EARTH. Do dogs and cats, apes and elephants not have a body with arms and legs. Does the plants, the trees, the flowers not growth and develop from MOTHER EARTH. All the things we humans and all other creatures have in common. So, what separates us from all other of creation. I remenber sitting there THINKING. When finally my mother asked me another question. She said, ” What are you doing?” I said , ” well I am thinking.” She then raised her brow and look at me very intensely, as if I had stubble upon something. Then, I got it. I said , “Oh I get it now. You are saying that it is our MINDS, THE WAY WE THINK that makes us different”. Mother then said , “Yes baby.” She then asked me another question. “So if that is the case, then what does the word MAN mean, give me the definition” , she said. I spoke loudly with condifence, ” MAN means MIND”. “Yes sir , young FOI- FRUIT OF ISLAM”, she said proudly.
She then begin to tell about WOMAN. Mother asked me well young grass hopper, “If man means mind then what does WOMMM — MMAANNN means? Now, I want you think about the word –WOMB. What does it DO?” I look at my mother and said,” Well a womans WOMB houses a baby before it is born.” She said, “Yes Salat (my name) , but what does this WOMB - HOUSE do for the baby.” I set thinking again. When finally she said, ” Does the WOMB not protect the baby, does it not feed the baby and does it not teach the babe?” And with much amazement, I said, ” Yes maam it does.” “So, once again what does WOMAN mean”, she asked. I then said, ” It mean PROVIDER, TEACHER, AND PROTECTOR OF THE MIND.” She then clapped and said, ” Yes sirrrr”. Each us have a role to play for each other and the society as whole. And we must understand the rules and roles necessary for the advancement of not just humanity but all of creation. Man must know what his and her roles is this world. Man/ male is also a provider, teacher and protector. If he wishes to have a peaceful home. Then he must understand what is needed with in that house to keep it prosperous.
Success in this society may not be guaranteed , but, understanding the rules of ALLAH (GOD), One person may be able to achieve great prosperity within his or her home. We learn to commit to the teachings of GODS ALLAH word, rules not the Traditions. Traditions has its place and importance. But knowledge is power.
Peace & Blessings Mr. Nelson:
I’ve been a convert to Islam for eight years now. And boy oh boy, has it been a long, rough, and painful eight years. I believe that the Salafi & Wahabi Movements are very strong in the African American Muslim community, and in our general American Muslim community overall. I was so isolated, that It took four years for me to realize that every Muslim wasn’t Salafi or Wahabi. Those were the only Muslims I’d ever been in contact with. I believe very strongly that “Islam” is what is contributing to the outrageously high divorce rates, and the treacherous aftermath that results from the divorce. I’d like to qualify my statement though. “Salafi” Islam or “Wahabi” Islam is what is contributing to the break down in families in the African American community as well as other Muslim cults. It is not completely accurate to fault the wide spread matriarchy within the African American community. I also wanted to add that my adoptive parents have been married over twenty years so I did come from a background of having two parents. I also learned that you half to allow the relationships to rise abovee the term oil that is boud to result from two people living over a long peroid of time.
I’d like to use my self as an example. To be brief, I converted to Islam when I was high school. I was immature, inexperienced, and un-educated. I was trying to “find my self” and learn how to be in the world. I converted to Salafi Islam or Wahabi Islam, innocently and unknowingly.
* I was pressured, intimidated, and coerced into getting married just two months aftere converting. I was taught that getting married is a command or requirement of Islam.
* I was taught that you could not go to college if you couldn’t pay for it with out using loans. I was taught loans for college or housing were harram becuase riba was attached to the promisorry note.
* I was taught that I could only seek employment with women.
* I was taught that if a woman is unable to support her self she must get married.
* I was taught that my family is Kafirs and that I half to distance my self from them.
* I was taught that I could only wear a long khimar and a jilbab, and It was my own fault if I experienced discrimination on dressing like that.
** I was divorced from my first husband who I had chosen on my own, who happened to be a Sufi. I was told that he is NOT a Muslim ( he prayed all his prayers and fasted) becuase his aqidah isn’t sound, he uses dhikr beads, and the list goes on, the community broke up my first marriage.
I did end up re-marrying, another Sufi actually!! lol but this time, as a result of living hard for such a long time, I ended getting on medication, getting into therapy, and we entered marriage counseling in addition to that. I also went back to school and am still in school. My husband and I kicked the Muslim community to the curve, reconciliated with my family, and are striving to be healthy, happy, and prosperous- something I never hear an Imam talk about. In addition to that, I wanted to say that when I realized I needed professional help and got it, I was shamed, blamed, and totally humiliated by my fellow Muslims.
Thank you.
Enough is enough. I’m sick of reading these post of people who blame following Islam for their problems and then announcing how now they they are open sinners life is worth living again. Don’t yall know that Allah test those according to their faith and that He test those whom He loves? Maybe that is why when you were striving to please Allah everything seemed like a test..BECAUSE IT WAS! Now that everyone has found comfort in reverting to their old ways than perhaps Allah has eased up on the test, because you are failing miserbly.
Mary Ann I’m sorry you had a hard time but Qadr Allah wa masha fa al sister. I don’t think kicking the Muslim community to the curve is the answer to your problem. Try holding on to the rope of Allah a lil tighter sis.
Oh Mary Ann the first paragraph of my above rant was not directed towards you. Being healthy, happy, and prosperous are part of Islam as long as you acheive it in a halal manner. Seeking knowledge is also from Islam, and it is sad that for 8 years (was it that long?) that you never once heard an Imam address how Muslims can strive for the good of this world and the next. You can not find fault in Islam for that, this is something that you must take some of the blame for. I have made MANY mistakes in life but the biggest mistake is if I did not use them as learning experiences. There are very few regrets I have in life (and like I said I have made MANY mistakes), because I realise that everything happens by the decree of Allah. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Umm Adam,
I don’t think she was blaming Islam - minus quotes. I think she used quotes because of how the community she was involved in came off. She’s telling her story and its a very familiar story unfortunately.
What sin is she claiming to be openly and happily commiting? Marrying a Muslim guy who is not a butthole? Getting professional help which a lot of Muslims and non-Muslims should consider. If that community she was involved with were anything like she described, they need to be kicked to the curb. We shouldn’t have to settle for insanity just because ‘they’re muslims’.
Honestly, if she had said, ‘Sufi’ Islam is what is contributing to the breakdown ” ” “”"‘…would you have the same issue with her comments? Obviously those who claim one group is not going to react very objectively when their group comes under criticism. As much as Salafis bashed Sufis and Tableeghis over the web and in lectures over the last few years, how can a Salafi in all the righteous indignation they can muster claim, ‘Enough is enough’ when they are under the microscope?
Peace & Blessings
Brother The Saved Rashad Project
Thank you for your understanding, compassion, and respect!
One skill I learned in therapy was how to cope/handle/manage people who resort to shaming and blaming.
And you’re right, many AA Muslims should consider professional help. I’m glad that I didn’t allow my own arrogance as well as the shaming from that community to deter me from seeking help. I’m better Muslim becuas of it, a better mother, and a better wife becuase of it.
Thank you again.
Salaam
P.S. The salafi movement is going to be listed in “The Encylopedia Of Cults” by 2008.
TSRP, that’s why I immediately clarified myself in the 2nd post. i realised that it may have looked like I was accusing the sister of openingly sinniing when it wasn’t her. Her post was just the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak and caused me type away my thoughts.
I majored in psycholgy. It would be nice to continue my education and offer serices to the Muslims. I’m all for Muslims seking help and ridding themselves of toxic relationships, including with other Muslims. Heck sometimes I think Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind
up in HERE, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me go all out
up in here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me act a FOOL
up in HERE, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool
up in here, up in here
Umm Adam, I believe we were posting at the same time. I didn’t read your 2nd one ’till after mine was up. I still got luv sis.
Naw man, your’s came about an hour later. It’s all good er’thing copacetic.
Peace and hairgrease.
As Salaam Alaikum,
I thnk this topic is much more complicated than it sounds. There is no single “silver Bullet” for the many ills of our community. However the implemenation of islam, and moving into Iman and finally Ihsan will solve the problem. I think a great deal of Muslims still love thisworld too much and don’t really realize why we are here, to worsip Allah and be tested. My wife and I are still married after 13 years, 8 children strong and weak financial positions, family expulsion and many other things. But Allah and his Messenger (SWT) has given us the tools to deal with this. I fuss at my family about memorization of Quran, performance of Qiyam Layl, Nawafil Salah and fasting. However most complaints I hear from other Muslim couples consist of matters of Dunya. So if Dunya is your concern, then it only makes sense that problems of Dunya and Jahilliya will follow you. Brothers and Sisters perspective is everything, whether you are financially sound or not was a matter decided in the womb, how you deal with it is the real test. I currently have two wives, and Wa Allahi, I went from 70,000+ a year to nothing after an illness, both stayed with me through dire straits, but Allah is improving our situation at his own speed. Allahu Akbar! My advice is both need to serve Allah and focus on that, he will provide!
Salam,
Wow more than a year later and this discussion is still going strong. This post caused such a reaction because there has been little to no discussion about this within the Muslim community. Frankly, we need this kind of open dialog to address these issues- especially within in the context of Islam because there is a specific moral code we should be adhering to. This topic is a bit sad and disheartening. I see the ramifications of this especially on the sister
[...] article. The old way of separation from the wider community and disengagement has been a miserable failure on many levels. Muslims must be engaged with their neighbors and co-workers. Muslims must be a part of the wider [...]
Asalaamu 3laikum,
The Salafi movement is GARBAGE, and Allah will expose it for the fraud and cult that it is ameen.
My Allah swt reward us all.
I am saddened by your experiences particularly women. Muslim do not have to marry Muslim men although it may be ideal. Jewish and Christian men are available for marrying. I know some Muslims will think that is blasephemy but everything must be done and considered in moderation.
I have been a muslim for almost 20 years and I have never experienced the horrors that I am hearing on this site.
Anyone who tries to keep you away from your family is automatically suspect.
Salam
I thought most AfricanAmerican muslims were Hanafi not Salafi or Wahhbi.
[...] is not politically correct to say that young men (regardless of race) need fathers in their lives these days, but it is [...]
[...] out of step with the problems of society - that is brought into Islam - has created a big problem. Why pretend that legions of men grew up without fathers in their homes [...]
Thanks for posting this. I must say that your take is refreshing and I am glad that someone has decided to take on the taboo of discussing these topics that we have been in denial about for so long
Great article and needs to be spread
FINALLY!!! Someone is talking about the problems we are facing
As-Salaamu Alaikum,
This is a very important issue that Bro. Tariq is bringing up here. Prior to taking Shahadatain 12 years ago, I initially studied the teachings of the Nation of Islam and the Honorable Elijah Muhammad, by way of Minister Farrakhan. Many of you can say “istagfir’ Allah,” or “A’udhu Billahi” for me bringing up the Nation, Farrakhan, or referring to Mr. Elijah Muhammad as “Honorable,” but my advice to both the African-American Muslim community and the general Muslim community at large is to study and research the Nation of Islam, in terms of family structure, commitment to education and living Islamically because the Nation of Islam has long set a powerful example in these areas to this day. This is why I criticised Imam W. Deen Mohammed for going too far in the changes he made when he first came into leadership. Yes, I agreed with him on bringing us into the real deal of Islam, but I strongly disagreed with on eliminating some of the great programs that gave our brothers and sisters high, positive respect, such as the way they dressed and carried themselves, how the husband and wife took care of each other and their children and how well-disciplined and respectful the children are toward their elders and themselves. In the Nation, they have classes to train the men and women in this fashion. These things should be highly considered the Muslim community, and the African-American Muslim community, in particular. IT DOES NOT REQUIRE US TO TEACH THE AFROCENTRIC MYTHS THAT COME ALONG WITH IT! WE CAN LEAVE THE MYTHS ALONE! My former teacher, Imam Mohammed even said to apply the positive contributions of his Father in our lives, even though I have not witnessed this teaching to be widely practice in his community.
Wa alaikum Salaam Brother Shabazz
Supana’Allah brother, I just finished reading a book called: “Little X: Growing Up In The Nation Of Islam by Sonsyrea Tate.”
These are some my conclusions:
1) Based strictly off the sequence of events and the manner in which they transpired in her book, it appears that her family structure, economic structure, educational structure, community structure, and her personal life to a degree , fell completely apart when her family left the NOI to join the “mainstream” Muslim community. While reading her book, I found my self re-reading, and even printing out articles from Tariq Nelson website and UmarLee website. I even pulled a high lighter, and legal pad. My point is, the down fall of her family and her life didn’t come from the teachings of the NOI, not even the “Afrocentric myths”, it came directly from the teachings of the mainstream Muslim community, and it’s many movements, particularly the salafi movement. Some classic examples mentioned in her book and on this very website are: >encouraging underachievers to practice asceticism to cope with hard core poverty, >declaring all secular education harram,> declaring mixed workplaces harram,> declaring college/home loans harram, >declaring birth control even for child spacing harram, and >encouraging eating with hands.
3) Based strictly off reading her book, it appears the infrastructure of the NOI had the ability to uplift, transform, and really inspire people. While also providing a place and oppurtunties for those who were educated/middleclass/established. That has hardly ever been the case in the mainstream community except for people with wealth, and nobility. It appears the NOI had the skills and ability to accommodate and work with low income or uneducated persons. That is not the case in the mainstream community, we are too class conscious-including the AA Muslims who are educated. I don’t believe her mother having 10 children had anything to do with their poverty, I believe it was the teachings they embraced. I especially enjoyed reading about Muslim Girls Training classes, from that, it appears her education was superior to the public schools, again it was her migration to the mainstream community that ruined her.
I’m convinced seeking community outside of Imam Warith Deen Muhammad community or the NOI is a major deal breaker for those of us who are African American.
I wish that I would of known about them years ago, becuase all of the Muslim families I’ve met from both organizations are stable( Happy they actually smile), and have at least 3 or 4 generations of families that are also stable. I have never in the nearly 10 years of being Muslim seen that in the so called mainstream community, including AA’s with Graduate and undergraduate degrees. It’s a real shame, especially for those of who may not be educated or middle class, but had real home training. That’s what baffles me about our condition in the mainstream community– the lack of home training. You don’t need a degree to become a well mannered, well spoken, well dressed, person? You don’t need a degree in order to make sound life decisions, raise a family, manage a home, and have a good heart. A degree certainly helps economically, but what ever happened to home training?
To conclude, I’ll be honest and say that I’m not married to an African American man. I married an African brother and have been married 5 years. I was afraid to marry an African American brother becuase I didn’t want to be married for 3 months, 3 days, or even 30 minutes. However, being married to an immigrant has it strains and challenges. If you’re a woman you half to be prepared to give up your culture and maybe your language or it won’t work. This is the solution being touted in the faces of other black Muslim women, and it’s not easy at all.
Allah knows best..
Salaam
I also forgot to mention there is a great deal of misinformation out there about Imam Warith Deen masjids.
I was told they didn’t pray properly and whole bunch of other whack crap.
Please realize that WDeen has SLANDERED ISLAM. They do not follow the Sunnah of the Prophet Allah knows best. Follow the Quran and the Sunnah and you will not go wrong
[...] Posts A Nutter in North Carolina”Americans Against Hate”?Who’s an ‘Islamic Supremacist?African American Muslims What’s their future? Part 2Popular Past PostsHumanitarian Day 2007 in DCMuslim Family Day goes off without incidentEmbarrassed [...]
To UMMSULTAN
May Allah (swt) forgive you for speaking falsely. I am a student of Imam Warith Deen Mohammed and we follow the Qur’an and Sunnah of Prophet Mohammed (saw). Normally, I do not respond to individuals who intentionally slander individuals, groups or leaders without knowing the truth. However, I feel compelled to respond to your comment. We study his tafsirs and respect his leadership. I am amazed at how many Muslims can go to a job and follow the leadership of a supervisor or Manager, but question the leadership of Imam W.D. Mohammed. We are not zombies and we are instructed to seek knowledge on our own with the Qur’an being our first source and authentic hadiths being our second source. Perhaps you should study the life of Prophet Mohammed (saw) and apply it to your life today. Perhaps you are an extremist, perhaps you are judgmental. Read with the name of your lord and seek balance. Be mindful of your false comments, you have to carry the burden with you. Also study your Qur’an and try to learn Quranic Arabic. You may be misinterpreting the Ayats. Our community is well versed in Qur’anic Arabic. We are not extremist and Islam is a way of life for us. We don’t try to hide our identity behind different cultural factions or prove to the world visually that we are Muslim. When people encounter us, they meet our souls first and they know we are of those who submit to Allah’s will. May Allah(swt) advance you in knowledge.
Excellent post brother. I hope that this message can get out
Thanks
[...] of children too!!!!!What Happened to ‘Good’ Islam?Ethnic Cleansing in L.A.?”Are You Still Muslim?”African American Muslims What’s their future? Part 2A Little About MeBlack kids and the doll test 60 years laterBrass Crescent AwardsFemale Convert is [...]
[...] we lacked clarity concerning tawheed and shirk, then we will accomplish nothing in solving the many social problems that are undeniable. If we continue to pay homage to figures who promoted shirk, kufr and a motley [...]
Could part of the problem be a numbers thing? Black women statistically out number black men. When we talk about muslim black men and women the numbers become even more skewed. The well touted statistic about “3 out of 4 ” converts are women is certainly true within the black community. Then there is a discussion about compatibility or quality. Black muslim women have very few choices to begin with.
We do not pick or consider, or they do not consider us immigrant brothers of any quality for what ever reasons. Although African American men seem able to go and pick up wives from many parts of the muslim world.
I have been in both the African American and Immigrant muslim communities and … both have their goof points and their issues…
Immigrant communities tend to have, or so it seems “networks” that stretch through different countries … that they are able to call on to find muslim partners… generations of muslim families and relatives doesnt hurt either… African American communities do not have these generations of families and friends stretching from “small town USA” to bangalore to South Africa to London… It is amazing how they work together in that way….
What I found in my experience (and I will limit it to my experience) in the African American communities is hard for me to even write about….
Muslim and Black Americans are fewer in number in the south and yet there is no real understanding of this… the hatred of each other… the suspicion… is amazing…. the uneducated hate the educated… the misogyny and cliques are just… destructive…. there seems to be no real regard or knowledge of the importance of the next generation in these communities … and this is supposed to be a fertile breeding ground for healthymuslim marriages and communities…?
African American Marriages also have the added burden of dealing with nonmuslim family and in laws…
They can be destructive….
Black people tend to be very christian and often see muslim family and marriages as a road to hell…
Dont get me wrong I understand that there are problems with immigrant communities as well… that they have not adequetely addressed the needs of muslim families in the West, the have their own problems with skin color and racism…. often prefering the most uneducated, slatternly, nonreligous and non muslim women …. as long as her skin is white…. to the best of a browm skin clean and good muslimah….
I dont know,
it is mess
Inshallah Allah will make it right
So true. Its like they think of marriage as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. ESPECIALLY if the marriage was done Islamically. This is sad. Most of the time kids are involved. Its really not fair. I know a sister thats in her 50’s and said shes been married about 40 something times. Thats crazy. Sisters should know damn well that men do not like recycled items. No one is perfect and there are times that divorce is called for but if you find yourself being married more then 3 times in the last five years then you need to slow down. Ive known of sisters to have a “sit down” with a brother and get married a few weeks later. TAKE YOUR TIME. And brothers are wrong too (thats just another story). *exhales*
I hope we understand that every people brings their own innovations and ignorance into this perfect way Islam .No Nationalities bida is worse than another because they all lead to sin and separation form Allah ( the hell fire).
The first thing any convert realizes is that the people who should “know” don’t know meaning born muslims. Some of the so called “should know muslims” are highly educated in the wrong way .So an atmosphere of making it up as you go along is swirling around . The African american community is also suffering from such a strong inferiority complex over slavery that many people are searching for a new identity not a new way of life. There is more to be ashamed of now than then . Though some of tariqs statistics seem outrageous I except them . I live in a small community near a large one and I see these things going on from both genders . But I also see many reponsilble BROTHERS African american and otherwise who are capable of having more than one wife . This is not the preferred reality for some people but its better to be in a taqwa filled loving relationship than not. Some people are in fact not muslims at all but actually living a lifestyle that allows them to mystify themselves to non-muslims so they can work various CON games. This phenomenon is not limited to to the black american community but is found in all people .Fard Muhamad is a perfect example and he has misled hundreds of thousands of people . These Con-artists do not spend time with the believers in fact they stay away because it exposes them.
I have participated in a few weddings as witness and wali and I dont do it anymore if I dont feel comfortable that the people are informed and serious .
As Salaam Alaikum,
It just shows that some people can undergo outer appearances but the real conversion to Islam is the inner self. African-American men and women of Islam still have not been truely liberated as a people until they live the Islamic way of life within the American culture. We don’t have to immitate Arabs or Pakistanis in terms of being Muslim ,we should immitate the best of Islamic culture as the prophet Muhammad did.The problem as i see it , is the break-down of some Muslim leaders and masajid not enlighting their followers with Islamic education and building a sound spiritual ,social ,conscious framework that follows the Sunnah in theory and practice. To often recent converts bring negative aspects of the American culture into Islam ,especially dealing with relationships.
Some Muslims are influnced by the hip-hop culture and put a greater importance of learning hip-hop than learning Qu’ran, Arabic, Sunnah, or just reading and studying books of enlightenment. Muslim women are attending colleges and getting good jobs,while to many brothers debate,argue ,and philosophy over issues that have little importance in raising a family. Some brothers while not even working or working a low wage job still maintain they want two wifes or more.They have a pimp mentality of having their women work for them while he’s just there to dictate to them and fulfill some degree of sexual pleasure. This is not the basis of an Islamic home and family. In order to rectify this problem it is neccessary that the leaders and Imams address problems that have crept into Islam like it did Christianity.The shaitan is busy as ever to corrupt all of humanity,so Muslims are not exempt unless they hold on the the rope of Allah.
In the 50’s, 60’s, and most of the 70’s , most African-American Muslims wether they were Sunni or from the Nation of Islam experience had stable marriages. But this was also during the time of black consciouness and awareness movement.of advocating freedom, justice, equality, and liberation. It seems like a lot has been lost as the pull of hip-hop has become so mainstream that the consciousnes of family, marriage,education, love ,respect, and unity has been broken.
It is time for Imams to address these problems.
Some imams waste precious time getting their followers to fellowship with white Catholic Christians, savior days, and banquets after banquets,rather than dealing with the ‘fitnah’ and shirk that is eroding Muslim marriages and families. The shirk aspect is that Muslims only respon to the words of their imam and exhort them above Allah. But leaders come and go while Allah and the words of his messengers will remain till the day of judgement and justice.
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
as-salaamu ‘alaikum. Jamal Abdul-Aziz, this was an insightful and interesting take on African Americans and Islam in the U.S. and although I agree with your underlying position here,
I will say that our faith is two fold. And is best explained, in my opinion, how it was explained to me. Using the analogy of a clock for example. If a clock has hands for the hour, minutes and seconds yet the gears… the inside of the clock are missing or in disrepair the clock is useless.
Likewise, if the gears… the inside components of the clock are in tip-top shape, working to full capacity yet the clock is missing hands to tell the hour, minutes and seconds it is just as useless.
The fully functioning clock, the one which has gears… inside components which are operational and has functioning hands to tell the hour, minutes and seconds is the only one that can be of service to mankind.
This means that the sunnat of the Holy Prophet (may Peace and Blessings be upon him) should be applied inwardly and outwardly to be of benefit to mankind.
-Saifuddin
Warith Deen and the NOI may not be acceptable to non-black muslims and that is okay.
Do not listen to non-blacks who seek divide the AA muslim community. If we continue to listen to non-blacks and their slaves that Warith Deen does not follow the Quran and Sunnah, then we will remain on the bottom of the totem pole within the muslim community.
The slanderings of AA who have our best interests is nothing but a strategy to keep our community divided and dysfunctional.
Salaam
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
as-salaamu ‘alaikum Ron, do you really believe this,
And if so, how can you believe the above and the below at the same time?
Brother Saifuddin -
I see no contradiction between the two. I defer to the Holy Quran rather than politics. I strongly believe that the AA community must be strong for the wider muslim community to be strong.
For example, look at Sudan, Mauritania, Chad, Libya, Morroco, Egypt, and other places where African people have been humiliated and dishonored by those who pretend to teach Islam while seeking to dominate.
We cannot have blinders on and put our hands out to be enslaved.
We have experienced Europeans using the Bible to dominate us and now we cannot allow immigrants who come here seeking to do the same thing.
I can only take immigrants seriously when they begin to treat their minorities justly in their home countries.
Salaam
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
wa ‘alaikum as-salaamu Ron. You seem to have a firm grip on your view and I respect that. I was wondering how do you propose the AA community become stronger?
One thing that I would like to share with you, if Allah Almighty grants me permission, is that you unfortunately have considered what we call African Americans a homogeneous ethnic group when in fact they are not. They are however, the after effect of cultural purge. A literal cultural flush to an contained and isolated multi-ethnic, multi-religious mishmash of peoples.
And you, like many AA’s are undermining the reality of race, ethnicity, class and ancestry by trying to group people in this many. I will admit it is seemingly the easiest way to try to control socio-ethnic circumstances of AAs in America but in my opinion the lazy man’s way with a lazy man’s results. So with all due respect we are going to have to agree to disagree here and let time be the judge.
-Saifuddin
Funny you mention Sudan, because the last time I checked it was your black politicians in your country who were eager to butcher Sudanese people, the same people you would call “Muslims”.
And don’t forget Rwanda.
And to make easer to grasp, Darfur is what I am talking about when I wrote ‘Sudanese people’.
As-salaamu ‘alaikum Tariq… could you please moderate the above line,
^ I had enough with AA Muslim blogs!
Thank you all for your feedback. Wa’aleikum Salaam.
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
as-salaamu ‘alaikum. Gess, I emplore you not to feel this way,
The old Arab proverb: “Kill a slave with a slave.” AA muslim community has strong cultural ties with our African brothers on the eastcoast. I do not see any divergence of interests between AA muslims and immigrant brothers of goodwill. We can work toghether for the greater muslim community.
Our interests are the same. For example, Hausa and Peul brothers are trying to find ways to avoid being Arabized and dominated by Arabs. We can help them out in that area. For example, Darfuris need help in their struggle against the Khartoum government. The CBC may push for a package to get them weapons on that account.
Their are many areas that we can help each other.
Salaam
[...] the comments. I have known for some time that there were speakers in Salafi circles who had been married and divorced 20 times and that it was very common for brothers to be married 10 or 15 times. Just as these brothers did [...]
As Salaamu alykum
Maybe it is time for AA’s to come in mass to traditonal Sunni Islam meaning the four well known Sunni mathabs, the two schools of Sunni aqeedah and Ihsan/Sufi’ism instead of jumping from one movement to the movement and do it your self Islam. This is what I think and I have been on the “salafi dawah” for 5 years now and have had more fitnah then I had when I was a kuffar, my eman has dropped In lost contact with good SunniMuslim over the years for what? There is no magic sect or masjid that is going to poof make you pious or resolve all of your issue’s, AA muslim like me need to grow up.
I agree with you, UNKNOWN, about not jumping from ’sect to sect’, but part of the problem for a new revert is that they won’t know what is a good or bad Islam (or more fittingly, what suits them the best).
Unfortunately, the Salafi groups tend to be a little more centralised and organised, which makes them appear more pious etc.
And part of the work should fall onto us who are born Muslims to help reverts out. A lot of Muslims are like ‘Mashallah, you’re a Muslim now, congratulations, that’s great of you’, and that’s it. Not even a short conversation about whether they have a starting point to teach themselves about Islam. I can’t blame the AA brothers for that.
I also think that a lot of Muslim groups want AA brothers to completely erase their identities as African Americans, which is completely stupid as well. If anything, immigrant Muslims should be looking to the reverts about how to live Islam as an American.
[...] I was discussing this with a woman I have a great deal of respect for and she remarked on how Islam was sustained for hundreds of years in West Africa and that the Salafi position which was once strong within the African American Muslim community is now waning. Suggesting that African American Muslims seem to have exhausted the staying power of “Salafi dawah” finding themselves unsatisfied. This dissatisfaction however is not progressing into a return to the Islamic origins of the African Americans instead it is becoming a clone of the former authored by American born narrators. This satisfaction is real and can be understood from real expressions like that of an unknown commenter on Tariq Nelson’s blog, “Maybe it is time for AA
As Salamu alaykum
I am out of the “salafi” movement my heart can not take it anymore, my ex wife who I married after two weeks of knowing left the salafi dawah already and married a calm gentle traditional Muslim brother. I am sick of judging everybody else’s Islam. Here in my city some Muslim’s want to buy a old catholic church and turn it into a Masjid and community center, all the masjid’s in the area are helping them out except one ..guess who the salafi masjid, they don’t want to do anything to help anyone.. not even other muslim’s, all they want to do is refute everybody and toss people off the manhaj. I am done I am not going to raise my son on this version of Islam, plus I have been reading and i see now this is a sect that opposes the ijmah of the Muslim Ulamah they are tossing thousands of years of Mainline understanding to the curb… for the minority view of a few hundred Shaykh’s in KSA…save your self and your family who’s fuel is men and stones
To Brother UNKNOWN,
Good luck to you, I hope you can withdraw without too many issues. I don’t like badmouthing other people’s views, but I really CAN’T STAND Salafi/Wahhabi groups. If anything, they are the BIGGEST reason for the state of Islam today, ask them about all the favours they did for their friend Mr T E Lawrence.
The biggest thing is that there is absolutely no love in their hearts, its dark and cancerous. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one smile sincerely.
Take your time, relax, enjoy life a little, the world and the heavens aren’t as dark and unloving as they make it out to be.
Peace
[...] had a network of friends to stay in touch with. They no longer had anyone they would relate to. A spiraling cycle of chaos began in which we saw depression grow and the social problems begin. These brothers needed a social [...]
The post that started it all.
[...] For certain, it is an exercise in speculation to posit what Malcolm would have done had he lived to continue his mission, continued spiritual and political development and the like. Yet, from what he was during the years he served as National Spokesman for the Nation of Islam and the year following his departure until his untimely murder, we can accurately make a number of observations. Malcolm was a mature, pious Muslim and leader. He was the epitome of sincerity. When Malcolm said
Outstanding post bro. I hope that the winds of change are blowing
I’m not a Muslim, but I respect the tenets fo your faith. However, I must say I’m compelled by your argument and find that it holds many truths. Even among AA Christians, the same pinciples that you have described still apply.
As a woman, I believe a committed marriage involves each partner fulfilling their roles in order to create stability. Whether they are prescribed via organized religion or concepts of gender roles. It’s important that the family unit is headed by someone who is willing to place the needs of the family before their own needs.
Matriarchy as you have described it, developed from an absence of productive and protective male presence . If the male is unwilling or unable to provide security and stability, then the resposibility of raisng the children, working and getting an education falls to the female.
I do agree that we have given birth to generations of men who do not operate as commited adults in any endeavor.
18-19 times of marriage?! Good grief ! when I reading this, I thought that I needed to get my eyes reexamined or something.
I remembered reading article about certain celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor. She married at least 7-8 times h Supposedly, she has a boyfreind. He’ll probably be husband number 8-9. To me , all that marriage,is nothing but a waste of their money( in some cases) and definately a waste of time. I have turned down men like this( dates) because of their Xtimes of being divorced. (I’m not dating, but even if I were, I would run from men like the ones mentioned in the blog)
My father has taught me a major indirect lesson about this issue Even though he’s only been divorced once in his life, he had numerous relationships. He’s remarried again, but it’s a bogus union. He only married my steps because of convience( he said so himself). Otherwise, he has no concept of it. As teenagers, my sister and I would warn his lady friends what a dog he was( he didn’t know anything about it). Yes , we were angry at time( not now, though we’re far from close), but some of these women were vulnerable and they deserved better. It is my own father, which is why I would never consider getting into a marriage with a man who has been married them many times because it’s SOOO ridiculous.
Any person who marry them many times are not marriage minded. With these guys, they just treat these wives as ” girlfriends”. They really don’t want a commitment, in the case with them, they may just want just that( girlfriends) , but they marry out of desperation, while at the same time wanting to look like an honorable husband.( then again, to married 18+ times tums the man from the honorbale man into the questionable one)
The Da’wahtus Salafiyyah requires you to look at the Deen from an intellectual perspective. Warith Deen went to pope john paul II and asked him to pray for him and his followers.
With this evil act , WD openly committed major shirk, which may have nullified his Islaam (Allaah knows best) by going to the pope, who is a taghoot (false god) the christians give the attribute of absolute perfection to, which is something only Allaah has. Asking a righteous believer to pray for you is a legislated act of tawassul (gaining nearness to Allaah). WD used the pope to make tawassul !?! Subhanallaah, WD is calling you ignorant people to the Hell-Fire, and you’re going willfully!!!! The sad part about it is that WD is too stupid, and too arrogant to realize he needs to shut his mouth and make tawbah.
I am a convert in Canada. My response is to the idea that AA are gravitating towards Muslimas of Arab and North African ethnicity and that others are seeking fair skinned, thin Muslimas. The reason is simple, these males are not familiar with Al Qu”ran and or they do not trust Allah whole heartedly; afterall is it not written that a man may marry a woman for her wealth, her beauty or her status but to marry her for her deen is best. Allah knows best. May the Most Merciful protect us all.
AsSalaamu Alaikum,
May Allah bestow His Mercy and Blessings on those who seek Truth and Guidance.
I am an African American muslim. I believe our future is the same as any other muslim. The stigma that hits African American communities, at least in America,not to be cliche or say that same ole thing, comes from deeply rooted psychological issues passed through generations from slavery, at least that’s one stigma. I’ve been on this article and a previous one talking about interracial marriages. The comments of the article went into a discussion black sisters in interracial marriages and black men and so on and so on.
Race should not be an issue in marriage, period.
Culture, should be understood by both parties but should not overshadow deen.
I must admit, as I say this, sometimes traveling through New York, I see black sisters with white men, or something, I may get a little upset, but that jahilliyah. I don’t know their circumstance. It’s not like I know her or him. I don’t think black men are privy to all races and black women should stick with black men.
I do feel though, in the African American community, our muslim families must become much more stronger and built on deen. Okay Akhi, if you don’t like working for the “man” establish your own business and please akhi, be able to provide for your family before beginning one inshaAllah, and that’s for all muslims, because muslim men, we put ourselves in a dangerous situation when we marry or have children and can’t take care of the responsibility that comes along with those things. We will be held accountable by Allah (S.W.T.). In fact, I truly think that problems in the African American community happen in all communities. Our solution is Islam, Patience, Perserverance and Prayer. Understanding the deen inshaAllah and fulfilling our obligations. Doing works befiting a muslim for the sake of Allah, only for the sake of Allah. That’s it.
May Allah bless the sisters. I love all of the muslim sisters and I pray Allah keep you all safe and bless you all with the best of His Bounty in this life and in the Hereafter.
May Allah bless the brothers. I love all of the muslim brothers and I pray Allah keep you all safe and bless all of you with the best of His Bounty in this life and in the Hereafter.
By the way, since I haven’t said my salaams ending my statement, let me point out all Black or African American Muslims are not converts. Islam has been in the African American community for a while now and I for one was born muslim. I didn’t convert. Not that there’s anything wrong with our converted/reverted brothers. But in all honest, in muslim communities, it’s annoying for muslims to treat you as if you’re the least knowledgeable because you’re black, or continuing asking when you converted.
AsSalaamu Alaikum
As-Salaamu `Alaykum,
Akh Daud, Imam WD Mohammed has, with the permission of ALLAH, done more positive, constructive work for Muslims in America than the movement you praise. Imam WD Mohammed has made mistakes because he’s human, just like you, me and all other humans. If you feel that he made an error, make du`a for him and write him a letter giving sincere naseeha. That is what a BROTHER in Islam does, not attack. May ALLAH have mercy on you and grant you rifq.
Akh Abdul At-Tawwaab, it’s also a misnomer that because one was born into a Muslim family that by de- fact he/she has more knowledge and understanding about Islam than one who reverted.
WALLAHU `Alim.
Wassalaam.
AsSalaamu Alaikum,
That is very true akhi. In fact in many occasions, one may find a brother reverted may have more knowledge than a brother born in to a family with the deen. The point of my bringing that up is to expose a stereotype, for lack of a better word, within our community which must be razed.
AsSalaamu Alaikum
@ Daud
Now that your King Abdullah has openly met with, shook hands with, embraced, sat with and brought gifts to Pope Benedict in order to have inter-religious dialogue what do you have to say?
hmmmmm….. crickets
[...] spiraling cycle of chaos began in which we saw depression grow and the social problems begin. These brothers needed a social [...]
[...] was in reference to those people who have made marriage a merry-go-around, with multiple marriages and multiple divorces, and eventually multiple children who become the ultimate victims of marriages that never really [...]