Wife Abuse and Complete Stranger Marriage
I realize that many things can be twisted in the media - particularly in the article below, but some use that as an excuse to deny this topic wholesale - but I know too many Muslims that will confirm that this sadly does happen. That is why they are reaching out to help these people. What is a woman to do when she has married a lunatic? How does she get out of an extremely abusive marriage?
It should be noted that far from anyone thinking that nothing is being done, many Muslim organizations are forming - particularly in this area, Masha Allah - to help Muslim women that are in these horrible situations.
One was a shy, slender young woman who spoke no English when she was brought from Pakistan to enter an arranged marriage with a stranger in Virginia. The other was a self-confident professional, born in Turkey but raised in the United States, who thought she knew what she was doing when she married an educated Muslim man in Maryland.
Yet both women fell under the sway of the same powerful pressures that sometimes reach around the globe to keep Muslim wives in the Washington region imprisoned in abusive marriages, unable to fight the gossip and shame that come with defying their culture and religion, isolated from help that is just a three-digit phone number away.
[...]
“Many batterers manipulate Islamic law or use its perceived authority to control their wives. A man who has the power to divorce can really twist the knife,” said Mazna Hussain, an attorney for abused women at the Tahirih Justice Center in Falls Church. “Muslim women want to be faithful to their religion, and the idea that you cannot disobey the word of God is very compelling, even if you are in an abusive relationship.”
[...]
“Many women are kept inside, with no one to turn to,” said Catherine Juhel, a counselor at the Foundation for Appropriate and Immediate Temporary Help (FAITH), an assistance program for Muslim women in Herndon. “They don’t know the language or the laws here, only what their husband tells them. Often they come from a society where if you go to the police, they will bring you right back home. How can they be sure it would be any different here?” [More...]
Filed under: Changing World, The Culture of Denial and Pretense | Tagged: Stranger Marriage
This article talks about abused immigrant women and I have seen others that do, but I haven’t seen any that talk about the many African-American women that are suffering in these marriages. What is a sister to do when the brother she married is recommended by the imam and known but acts like a wildman behind closed doors? Who can speak on her behalf? Black sisters are called “ungrateful bints” when they speak up just one bit about the horrible mental and physical abuse they go through in the name of knowledge. She is the bad one when she reaches out for help
Salaam ‘Alaikum Anon
I support your and want to comment further but I’ve got to run to the doc.
Be back later in’sha’Allah.
Just wanted to let you know, you aren’t alone, in the way you feel.
May Allah bless you.
Salaam
problem is that women that speak out about abuse are seen as being emotional and just need to be quiet. Believe it or not when we hear about a brother abusing a sister it is not surprising because the abusive brothers often show signs of it in the masjid. it is just that so many brothers turn a blind eye to problems in a brother that is looking to get married when someone asks about him. brothers will marry a new sister off to a brother known for having a violent temper and anger management problems then feign shock when she complains and no one wants to do anything about it because who wants to have their reputation destroyed?
Well, the silence of brothers on the issue is APPALLING and disheartening. The sister is “just another crazy bint” that is trying to destroy a man’s precious and all important reputation in the community. Yea, that’s what it’s all about. The rep! Show a good face at the masjid and treat the family like scum at home
Anon, I would advise the sisters to continue to speak out, seek help, and/or leave if she has to - 911 exists for a reason, USE IT!
I firmly believe every woman, especially Muslimahs, should have at least $5000 emergency funds stashed away should she (and her children) have to leave with the clothes on her back. Yes, I’m speaking out of experience.
If these sisters have a relationship with the nonMuslim men in their family, regardless of how fragile it is (my father abhors Muslims, Islam and everything about it with a passion, but he will never allow any man to mistreat me be it physically, verbally or emotionally), get them involved despite the Muslim community advising you to keep your nonMuslism relatives out of your business.
On the flip side, we have many immigrant women (Muslim and nonMuslims) who misuse/abuse the loophole in the law and CLAIM their husbands are abusing them. This way the man is deported and/or jail and she has a free pass into the country.
BTW, sisters need to stop the negative peer pressure, as in “what did you do to piss him off,” or sister make dua and be patient. Do you realize abused women are prime targets for missionaries, especially when they don’t know the difference between their deen and culture?!
Isolation is the first warning sign. Yes, I understand some men do not want their wives to go to the masjid as some sisters prefer to stay in their homes, but if he’s telling you, you need to stay in the home and the only friend you need is “me,” proceed with caution.
Salaam’Alaikum Wahrahmatullah
I’m proubably going to have an unpopular opinion regarding the issue of domestic violence within our community. I do not believe that these men who are predators are deliberately manipulating the scriptures and texts used within the deen to dominate their wives. I believe that ultra-orthodox, orthodox, and traditionalist interpetations of Islam already have established a solid foundation where submission to Allah has been fused with submission to your husband come hell or high water. Furthermore, the majority of masjids in America indirectly support such a distorted perception of women by having khutbahs, classes, and halaqas that focus on: ” How to be the ideal Muslimah”; ” How to make your husband happy”; ” The rights of Muslim men”; and my favorite of course ” Why Marital Rape doesn’t exist in Islam.” The masjids are sending a message that Muslim women are defective, and are in need of constant adominshment, training, and refinement. The focus is always on how we are failing or that we don’t do enough. We are not enough peroid. Islam is supposed to be a unitarian faith. When you require women to obey their husband as the only way to be accepted by Allah and granted favor, you create a new faith. Hadiths are one of the number one culprits in the destruction of Muslim women- it’s so sad, becuase the hadith are supposed to be blessed traditions of the Prophet pbh that are there to serve as a tool in purification, discovery, and growth - with sole purpose of submission to Allah, yet, the hadith that are quoted about women, make the Prophet pbh look like a false Prophet and than we wonder why the kuffar hate him? Duh? Stop slandering the Prophet pbh!!!
Bint Will
I have witnessed what you speak of sister…. sigh : (
We can’t just sit back and point fingers at the men when you have Amirahs who encourage women to be completely reliant upon their husbands for all of their needs, and are quick to give these women a slap down for not obeying their husbands.
Brother Yusuf Your post gave me the chills. It just shows how cold and calculating these predators are and how pathetic are communities have become. My husband hates going to any of the masjids in this area. He frequently complains that many Muslim men are hateful, indignant, and uncompassionate to Muslim women out of arrogance, and inherited superiority complex.
So so very sad.
Salaam
Sister Anon ( I can’t tell if you’re a sister so if you’re not I apologize)
The reason AA sisters are given the ” how dare you” act when they and THE CHILDREN are being torn to shreds is becuase there is this underlying belief in the Ummah especially in the U.S. that black women and their wombs are unwanted and they should just be grateful to even be married and so therefore should tolerate everything becuase they could be alone.
I know it sounds negative, but Wahlah Ta’ala it’s the dang truth.
Mother of Aminata,
You are not alone - I have also noticed some hadith which objectify and degrade women, which ARE NOT in accordance with the Quran. I personally disregard any hadith which does not compliment the Quran regardless of which Sahih book it comes from. If we looked closely at how “our enemies” attack Islam, all of these hadiths come into play - that should ring a bell.
Funny thing is many will say it’s permissible to beat the wife, yet they NEVER quote or recall these:
The Prophet, (saaws - peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Abusing a Muslim is a sin, and killing him is disbelief.” (Bukhari and Muslim) or … ‘Abd Allah reported that the Prophet of Allah, upon him be peace, said, “A believer is not a fault-finder and is not abusive, obscene, or course.”
or the one which says something like, what kind of man lays with his wife after abusing her.
I love my husband dearly and give him respect, however he knows that if he puts a hand on me, he’d better kill me with the first strike. I’m too old for any man, with the exception of my father, to chastise me.
I went back and reread the article, it’s very heartbreaking that they are having trouble recruiting for hte Muslim men against Domestic Violence group.
I have a solution… turn these punks over to the local thugs. I’m certain after a nice manly beatdown they’ll never touch another woman.
Also some sisters are dealing with sorry *** dead beat dad situations too which is emotional abuse in itself. These men think that marriage is only about “getting their rights” but don’t want to give anyone else (the wife an kids) theirs. Someone needs to PLEASE talk about these things with the brothers. How is it that a dead beat dad maintains his standing with the brothers???
You are right Mother Of Aminata about people thinking that black women are just supposed to take any old brother that comes along with not even so much as a steady job or car and be grateful for that
Two things Tariq and that is as a rule the community takes the side of the brother no matter what and he has to go way overboard to get any kind of frown from the community. The sisters are called on to be pious while the brothers are free to be jerks. The other thing I am saying is in agreement with the sisters and that is that black sisters have it the worse because the imams and everyone else are throwing all the lazy good for nothings to marry these sisters.
Bint Will,
As salaamu alaykum
Do you mind clarifying the statement below with examples:
“You are not alone - I have also noticed some hadith which objectify and degrade women, which ARE NOT in accordance with the Quran. I personally disregard any hadith which does not compliment the Quran regardless of which Sahih book it comes from. If we looked closely at how “our enemies” attack Islam, all of these hadiths come into play - that should ring a bell.”
This blog can be accessed world wide and the fact still remains people utilize this sites such as a source for issues in their deen. So to make this statement without clarification is very dangerous. Please clarify your position with examples, and the hadith scholars who have rejected such Ahadeeth.
Regards,
Mohamed Witten
I know of cases where the sister has seeked helped from brothers (husbands of her friends), and the end result was that the brothers banned their wives from being friends withthe sisters. It’s sad but Muslim women rarely have anywhere to turn when they are in abusive situations. I once had two different sisters come and stay with me. One, because her husband (a practicing ‘on the sunnah’ Muslim) pulled a gun out on her. The other (also married a brother known to be pious) called me from the emergency room on crutches. Even though my husband was pleased to take them in, he never once spoke to their husbands about what happened. I’m not sure he knew what to say.
JAMS: It’s not just the black sisters marrying lazy good for nothing brothers. I know many white sisters that are supporting their lazy good for nothing abusive immigrant husbands. The difference is the AA brothers are known in the masjid, which is the last place some of the immigrant brothers go.
Brother Witten,
I don’t know of any hadith scholars, as it seems EVERYONE is a scholar or sheikh these days without any clear guidelines as what’s makes one a scholar. I can find a thousand online fatawa sites and if I carefuly read teh fatawas many contradict themselves, degrade and dehumanize women and very few actually refer back to the Quran. Why can’t you or I read what’s in the Quran and read a hadith which equates a woman to a horse or says we are less than a man, when Allah has clearly stated that we are equal to men in the Quran, and of course one having a degree over the other, and realize something is wrong? Have our so called sheikhs and scholars become like the rabbis and preachers, regardless of how twisted and illogical it is, he is right…infallabible. Of course I am only speaking for myself and out of my limited knowledge. We all know we can all find an Imam, SHeikh or Scholar to fit with our position, whatever it. If we don’t like what’s being said at PGMA, we can go to the Mustafa Center or Masjid al-Islam.
I found it was my fault when my exhusband put my head through a wall and I was a bad wife… still I didn’t have a valid reason for divorce though my face and body was bruised. Every Imam I went to in the DC metro area said, be patientk, let’s talk (but I guess since it wasn’t his body and face that was battered talking was an option) -again fortunately I didn’t go so far as to cut of my nonMuslim relatives as I was told to. if I were dumb enough to believe this my children would probably be orphans and the so called Masha ALlah good Muslim man would be out victimizing another new sister who was naive enough to believe because one was Muslim longer than she or an Arab they knew what they were talking about.
My truth is many of the hadiths, and again I’m speaking for myself, make me feel like crap, like I’m nothing becaues I’m a woman, yet when I read the Quran I feel on top of the world.
Yes, I know this blog is read all over the world, but this is my truth, my reality
Really how can you tell me not to severe ties, yet my husband is allowed to ban my parents and siblings from our home?!
OR I’m going to hell because another human being is angry with me.
To Muhammad Witten
Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi 3257, narrated Talq ibn Ali
Allah’s Messenger said, “When a man calls his wife to satisfy his desire she must go to him even if she is occupied at the oven.”
Mohammed said, “I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers are women.”
This hadith can be found in:-
SaHeeH Bukhari: 29, 304, 1052, 1462, 3241, 5197, 5198, 6449, 6546 (FatH Al-Bari’s numbering system)
SaHeeH Muslim: 80, 885, 907, 2737, 2738 (Abd Al-BaQi’s numbering system)
Sunan Al-Tarmithi: 635, 2602, 2603, 2613 (AHmad Shakir’s numbering system)
Sunan Al-Nasa’i: 1493, 1575 (Abi Ghuda’s numbering system)
Sunan Ibn Majah: 4003 (Abd Al-BaQi’s numbering system)
Musnad AHmad: 2087, 2706, 3364, 3376, 3559, 4009, 4027, 4111, 4140, 5321, 6574, 7891, 8645, 14386, 27562, 27567, 19336, 19351, 19415, 19425, 19480, 19484, 20743, 21729, 26508 (IHya’ Al-Turath’s numbering system)
Muwata’ Malik: 445 (Muqata’ Malik’s numbering system)
“I have not seen any one more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious, sensible man could be led astray by some of you.” The women asked: “O Allah’s Apostle, what is deficient in our intelligence and religion?” He said: “Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?” They replied in the affirmative. He said: “This is the deficiency of your intelligence”… “Isn’t it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?” The women replied in the affirmative. He said: “This is the deficiency in your religion.”
It is related in al-Bukhari and Muslim.
“After the Farewell Pilgrimage at the Eid prayer, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) walked past the men leaning on Bilal’s arm, and came to the rows of women behind them. Bilal spread out a cloth and the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) urged the women to be generous with their gifts of charity, for when he had been allowed a glimpse into the flames of Hell, he had noted that most of the people being tormented there were women. The women were outraged, and one of them instantly stood up boldly and demanded to know why that was so. ‘Because,’ he replied, ‘you women grumble so much, and show ingratitude to your husbands! Even if the poor fellows spent all their lives doing good things for you, you have only to be upset at the least thing and you will say, ‘I have never received any good from you!’ (Bukhari 1.28, recorded by Ibn Abbas - who was present on that occasion as a child). At that the women began vigorously to pull off their rings and ear-rings, and throw them into Bilal’s cloth.”
If you want proof brother
all you half to do is go the millions of Anit-Islamic websites and find the hadith listed there.
Salaam
Perhaps, Bint Will and Mother of Aminata should stay away from the anti-Islamic websites that put their spins on hadeeth. True there are fabricated and weak ahaeedth out there but you two have taken your limited knowledge and dismissed the matriculate work the scholars who have compiled the saheeh have done and lumped them up as one big conspiracy theory. Subhallah.
I am no scholar and I won’t attempt to give the explanation of the above mentioned hadeeth but I will like to point out one flaw in the way Bint Will understood the hadeeth about not allowing anyone in your home that your husband does not approve of (I’m assuming this is what she is referring to) and the verse from the Quran about severing ties.
To answer your questioned my sister, can you not visit with your parents and siblings outside of your house? My mother in law never accepted me and never met me. I encouraged my husband to visit with his mom and take his all white daughter with him and leave me and my mixed kids at home. I never banned her from my house (not that she would ever dare enter), but out of respect why would he bring her in my home? Your dh has the right to ban whomever he wants from HIS home however that does not mean that he is severing the family ties. If you could not comprehend this, then it is a chance that you are deficient in intellect (cuz I believe your emotions may have clouded your judgement) and if men are praying 365 days of the year and fasting everyday of Ramadan (unless sick or traveling) then you are deficient in your deen (that doesnt make men better in deen or more pious or loved or whatever ppl get from misunderstanding that hadeeth). It simply means (justifiable as it is) that you have falling short of the man in deen. Let’s say 5 days a month you don’t pray. That’s 60 days a year. That’s a minimum of 300 prayers a year that you are defient in. According to the American hertage dictionary, deficient means:
1. Lacking an essential quality or element: deficient in common sense.
2. Inadequate in amount or degree; insufficient: a deficient education.
Anyway, I’m not sure how this came off. I did not say it in a harsh or arguementive way. As a matter of fact I debated even responding. I’ve seen you around the blogs, so I’m sure you know everybody doesn’t agree on everything. Just wanted to say that maybe nothing is wrong with the ahadeeth, rather your thinking could be faulty (lol…like that came across a lot better).
Oh my Holy God!!!
Umm Adam,
Let me correct you… I learned of these things in the umpteen Islamic books I have on marriage – The Fiqh of Marriage in Light of the Quran and Sunnah, The Pious Wife, The Pious Husband, 33 TO obtain the love of your husband and the collection Bukari and Muslim NOT from anti-Islamic websites. Sweetheart, when your husband rapes you in the name of Islam – AFTER you’ve had him removed from your home but because He didn’t divorce you islamically and he feels free to do as he please - because you are NOT allowed to say no to his request, then I’ll hold some weight to what you have written.
NO ONE has the authority to keep me away from my parents, regardless of how they feel about Islam, because I have yet to find a person who has my back the way they do. Sister don’t come to me with some **** about some man FORCING ME TO SEVERE TIES WITH MY FAMILY when Allah has told us several times NOT TO SEVERE TIES. How is paradise at my mother’s feet when she’s not allowed to enter my home? How can I give her dawah if she’s not allowed in my home?! SPARE ME! I am not trying to be accepted by my inlaws or the general muslim population. No one will oppress me via hadith which CONFLICT with the Quran.
Alhumdulilah Allah blessed me with good sense, when something doesn’t feel right it generally isn’t. Sister, again I REJECT HADITH WHICH CONFLICT WITH QURAN. As I’ve said before this is how nonMuslims attack Islam via the hadith which oppresss women and objectify us. We are no different than blacks who have accepted the lowly status of nigger – tell it to us long enough and we embrace it and it grow difficult for us to see ourselves as anything more. I guess you are no different from the sister who called me because she saw my hair while I was standing in the rain, IN THE DARK waiting for the bus because my husband had an accident and couldn’t pick me up. No, this PIOUS RIGHTEOUS muslimah didn’t ensure her sister go to the metro station or home safely HOWEVER she felt it was her duty to remind me that my hair was showing – how in the cussword she saw all that in the rain in the dark is beyond me. - SHEESH
Perhaps bint Will ought to stay away from the Muslims because they disgust me and the rest out of respect for brother Tariq I will not post, but you can e-mail me.
No, you didn’t come across as harsh just trite and more encouragement for me to leave the world of hadith alone and grateful none of my friends are NOT Muslimahs-it’s not the nonMuslims that’s turning my stomach.
Alhumdulilah the Quran is beautiful and PROTECTED… we can’t say the same about hadiths compiled several generations laters. WHy have we lost all sense and place hadith before Quran.
Perhaps Islam is not the life for me because i have no desire to be equated with horses, or called an omen or raped at will.
I have no desire to entertain sick women who AID in the oppression of their fellow sisters in Islam.
Interesting on Islam QA a man is told to divorce his wife because his father RAPED HER! And she must marry the father - WTF! That is not ISLAM SWEETY, leave those degrading hadiths alone and free your mind
Then again we have numerous folks who are a hifz and HAVE NO IDEA what they’ve memorized or how to incorporate it into their daily lives. This is why muslims are in the lowly state they are in because they have NO CLUE what’s in the Quran but can quot some cyber sheik who’s words overrule the Quran SHEESH
Thank you umm adam
Why are you online, shouldn’t you be licking your husband’s wounds, sucking his pus, and wiping the dust of his feet?!
Yet the Quran tells us NOT TO IDOLIZE anyone. Amazing how our husbands has more control over us going to hell than our fasting, praying, and good deeds. Why bother, just keep him happy and paradise is our, or does it lie under our mother’s feet? Which is it?
Let me stop because I dont want to offend Tariq
Assalamu alaikum, hmmm, perhaps there is something about Islam QandA? If a woman’s husband’s father rapes you, you have to marry him? Huh? Regarding the ahadith quoted above, there are “explanations” of the hadith, which, when explained to me, don’t come off as bad, however, the way they are translated into English, that is the problem. While some ahadith might seem really, uh, misogynistic, or whatever, I don’t think one should just throw away all hadith. One problem with translating things from Arabic into English is that many things get lost in translation.
yway, just some thoughts.
I just feel like we always look at these ahadith in the sense of having this antogonist feeling towards the guy. Like there is a war going on constantly between man and woman.
If a person is paying the bills, and is truly taking care of everyone’s needs, and he owns the place, just by logic, that person has the right to dictate who comes on his property or not.
Now w/ that aside, in a normal healthy marriage, a husband and wife simply take into consideration each other’s feelings.
On another note, IF a hadith is saheeh, you have to work to understand it properly and then to apply it. If a person rejects a hadith based on their own whim, then obviously that is between them and Allah.
Allah says in the quran to ask those who know and He also mentions that he has preserved the dhikr indicating to sunnah(and maybe the quran too im not sure in that instance if it referring to only sunnah or to sunah and quran both).
Anyway the point is, if someone has a ‘better’ system to grade hadith, they should come forward with it
Otherwise, to reject hadith based on whim is kind of ignorant. Nothing to really debate about, if a person’s post is just filled with emotionalism.
Secondly, what about the hadith about prayer and so forth? Why do you pray 4 rakah? Why not 5? Wouldn’t that be better if you started pushing your intellect in every area it doesn’t belong?
What about submission?
I feel like men have too much pride sometimes .. feeling like they’re all better than woman. and woman in term have way too much feminism stuck inside their heads.
Marriage DOES NOT work like that and thats why IT DOESN’T . Look at the lovely US divorce rate
If you got two heads running a household, the ‘company’ will fall apart. Thats why you need a good caring sweet CEO, and a sweet pleasing employee.
Salaam’Alaikum Bint Will
I reject all the hadith that don’t deal with the 5 Pillars of Islam and the 6 Articles of faith. Hadith dealing with inheritance, funnerals, anything along those lines I will listen to.
I stay away from all other hadith that don’t deal with worship for the exact reasons you have stated in your posts.
I personally felt the responses to your posts were ill mannered, and down right outrageous.
It’s a crying a shame that many Muslim women have nothing going for themselves but a relationship with a man and a hijab. How it’s so easy to hide behind Islam and not deal with reality.
Don’t let people get under your skin sister. There is nothing wrong with you. Just becuase you have elected to use your intellect and common sense doesn’t make you any less of a Muslim, and the real deal, is that Allah is the best of judges.
I wish you the best.
Salaam Alaikum
Oops
Sister Bint Will
Alhamdilal and I mean alhamidlal , AllahuAkbar, that my family didn’t give up on me. I don’t know what I would do if it weren’t for my family. I tell converts all the time, do not allow men, and the overal Muslim community to isolate you away from your family. When an aggressor or abuser isolates you, it’s all down hill from there. When you are isolated no one knows whats going on and no one can help you becuase they don’t know.
I used to associate with a segment of the ummah who subscribes to very harsh understandings of Islam and at one time in my experienc as a Muslim was told to break the ties with my family becuase they were “Kafirs”
Think about it sis..
Break the ties with the people who raised you, cared for you, and nurtured you? Break the ties with people who are going to be there for you when you need them? While the so called Muslims run from you when you are in distress, it is your family who will run to you when you are distress.
DON’T DO IT SIS!
Wahli, it’s a mistake.
Salaam
Islam does not call for us to break the familial ties, but there is no Islam without the practical example of the Prophet sal Allahu alaihi wa salam. There is NO WAY to undrstand what the Qur’an means without knowing the situation and circumstances under which the various ayaat were revealed and there is no way to know that without looking into the life of the Messenger sal Allahu alahi wa salam.
Allah’s promise to protect the Qur’an also extends to protecting its understanding as well. Otherwise someone can pick it up and play with it and say that “black man is god” or what have you. The understanding of it is protected too.
Salafee what are you talking about… the black man is God?! I fled from the NOI as soon as I heard that nonsense because even as a non Muslim it didn’t make sense.
I never said Islam calls for the severing of ties, but if one’s husband tells his wife she has to cut ties with her family, what else can we call that monkey? Let’s not dance around issues or entertain each other with fluff and stuff… it is what it is.
Part of abuse is breaking the person down, with misoygynist hadith it’s quite easy. It is very easy to find muslimahs who refer to their virginity as an opened can of soda - are the candy bars we getting untampered?! We can find a zillion how has not prpblem referring ot themselves as an opened piece of candy… now are you understanding the reality of objectification? Yes! We are to be modest and covered, but we are not candy, meat, and all the other ignorant crap men place in our heads..
Mother of Aminata, no one has gotten under my skin because as always I slept very well last night and I didn’t have to beg my husband for money for my morning cuup of joe. Frankly I find the ignorance (no one needs to be scholar to put two and two together, we can’t claim ignorance because Allah told us to Read!) IF we must rely on scholars, how are we different from the Christians who blindly follow and idolize the pastors, reverands, rabbis?!
I know I must pray and I am accountable for whatever I do WHETHER sheikh Tariq or Salafee informs me to do so.
THINK FOLKS
READ
This is like church, we are no longer able to think for ourselves.
Does anyone understand the concept of mutual respect?
Assalamu alikeum
[If you got two heads running a household, the ‘company’ will fall apart. Thats why you need a good caring sweet CEO, and a sweet pleasing employee.]
is that supposed to be cute and make us sisters go ‘awww’?
That anology is degrading to say the least. Is that how your view your own missus or your mother?
the status of a wife in islam is much more than that of an ‘employee’ and to compare the two as if they were the same says alot about you and your little regard for women.
Muslim Gal, I actually thought burgundy was a woman. Regardless, I agree that his/her little comparison was absolutely ridiculous.
“Look at the lovely US divorce rate”
You only have to look at the divorce rates in the Middle East and the rest of the muslim world (which are pretty much the same as the lovely US divorce rates) to see that the way marriage is being conducted in the muslim world isn’t working too well either. Clearly both sides are doing something wrong
Assalamu alaykum,
Divorce rate is nothing to go by as divorcec clearly happened in the time of the sahaba, where we find many of them divorcing their wives and those wives being married immediately(after the idda period)by another man. She wouldnt be left on the shelf because she had been divorced. Marriage is supposed to be about finding a partner that you click with. You are suppossed to be the coolness of your partners eyes. If that doesnt happen, divorce is there and an option. If the relationship is at the situation of raping the wife, i think there are probably many more problems too, and divorce should be sought. I am not in the states, nor have i lived there so i am not entirely understanding this black sister marrying anything type scenario. Is domestic violence generally a big thing in the states, does it happen across the board, and ingrained into society there, regardless of you being a muslim or not?
Come on sisters we cant reject hadith outright however there are many ways to live islaam, there are hadith that support muslim women, so lets just take those hadith as naseeha. But i totally understand where you are coming from, i neasrly had a breakdown few years back when i was with the salafee crew and to my horror discovered what their view on mariages were. Even more moderate salafees like ALmaghrib chekc their foums, where wife beating, domineering husbands are encouraged….
Actually according to Shaykh Salman al Oudah a husband will be sinning if he forces his wife to break the family ties i.e not allowing her to visit them, you can check his website for the full fatwa.
It seems that our sister bint will has been through a rough ordeal with one of her marriages. And sister I agree, if you’ve went through something personally, then you are one who can speak about it, how it affected you. I’ve seen you around the blogs and I find your common sense and humor to be refreshing.
Though the issue of ahadeeth is a broad topic. There are weak hadeeth, there are blantantly false hadeeth and then there are those ahadeeth that may make us as servants of Allah feel uncomfortable, but they’re truthful.
The scholars of hadeeth, the past and present ones, I think deserve our respect. I give them the benefit that they took their lives and dedicated it to studying Islam seriously and they did the best that they could. Whether their rulings in everything were correct is between them and Allaah. But for them stepping forward to do what most Muslims don’t have ability to do, they’ll also have my respect.
The Qur’an is clear and many of the ahadeeth are clear. The ahadeeth compliment the Qur’an, the ahadeeth are an explanation of the Qur’an and without the ahadeeth as an ummah we would be lost. Though, I’m sure you understand that.
The problems with interpretation. There are problems. I agree with you there. Though truthfully when problems exist within the ummah it isn’t the texts at all that are the culprits. The culprits are ignorants from amongst us trying do, act or rule in areas that they have no business in.
Severing ties with family is haram. Mistreating one’s parents (especially the mother) is haraam. Obeying one’s parents is mentioned after obeying Allah. There is no obedience to the one who calls for the disobedience to Allah. A husband does not have the right to make his wife break ties with her family, or to stop speaking with them or to keep them outside of her house. But what has happened today is that many sisters have reduced themselves to being completely engulfed and satisfied with the love of their man and everyone else doesn’t matter. Where ever he goes, be it low (and usually it is) or high, they’ll follow. In their minds they’ll try to equate it with seeking nearness to Allah, but the truth of the matter is that we have an increasing number of Muslim women who (borderline )husband worship!
Aaishah (ra) on many occasions would question the nabi (saws) when she needed further understanding. Some times she would follow behind him (saws) to make sure he was going to the destination he said he was and he (saws) never became bothered. And Aaishah wasn’t alone. Faatimah (ra) went and complained to the prophet (saws) when Ali (ra) spoke of taking another wife. Habibah bint `Abdullah bin Ubayy bin Salul (ra) the wife of Thabit bin Qays (ra) went directly to the prophet (saws) house after fajr and had no problem telling him that she was sexually uncompatible with her husband. (read the hadeeth and you’ll notice the prophet (saws) made no mention of her exhausting her patience with situation or trying to fix her husband up so that he could please her, he just grant the divorce). The sahabiyaat were about handling their business so that THEY themselves could get to jannah. Now sisters do they exact opposite.
Sisters rant and rave about how good they are with pleasing their husbands and giving him his rights (which isn’t bad in and of itself) but have yet to memorize even one juz of Qur’an, one small collection of ahadeeth and then there are even some who can quote verbatim all the lastest fatawaa about the rights of their men from online or the current tele-links but don’t know the ahkam of salat.
Today sisters will pray 4 raka’at salat behind their man while he’s making a bijillion mistakes (when she who actually knows more Qur’an stays silent) or make banana pudding for his walima to a wiccan that he dated for a year, or lay on the floor with the lights out while her parents knock on the front door (all true situations I’ve known of). And they do this because the love of their men has superceeded the love of their Rabb.
It’s not conservative intrepretation of Islam or the ahadeeth that has a hold of these sisters, it’s their own hearts that carry most of the blame. There are always going to be men out there who wish to rule over their women with an iron fist and he has his blame, but why are the sisters marrying him? Brothers who are abusers have no problem finding wives and sometimes two or three?? Who is to blame for that? The prophet (saws) would forewarn a sister if he knew a sahabi (ra) to be exessively abusive.
And please don’t get me wrong, I am in no way giving brothers who abuse a free pass. But we’re talking us, Muslim women. If we love Allah they way that He should be and strive to put Him first, study and act on the knowledge that we know, the deadbeats, the players, the abusers etc from amongst the Muslim men would not have ability to harm us because we wouldn’t accept it.
I’m often labeled a conservative (salafi) Muslim woman. I love my abaya and my niqab, I live in the gulf, I love shaykh bin baz and shaykh muqbil and shaykh al albani ect. I think the Noble Qur’an is a good intrepretation (still intrepretation though) and I love, honor and respect my husband but if he even mentioned me not speaking to my mother or father or that he was going get married and was moving his wife into my home or had father some illegitimate children or was online posting ads in matrimonial sites (insert any excessively selfish and stupid action you want) he wouldn’t be able to count to five before I started pulling out my suitcases without any fear because I know Allah has not obligated I endure such and infact Allah has ordered us to seek good for overselves! Allah provides to those servants who are loyal to Him!
We can gripe all day about translations of the Qur’an and the ahadeeth, the scholars, the conservative Muslims, misogynistic Muslim men and not a thing will change for many sisters because Allah doesn’t change the condition of a people until they change that which is in themselves. Allah elevates a people through their worship of Him and that’s what matters.
Subhanallah sister that was beautiful, its true we cant always blame the brothers when we have power over our choices in terms of who we marry and what we put up with.
The thing is sister i was reading on almaghbrib forum that aparently Obeying your husband is obeying allah and the treatment of the husband can lead us in jannah or nar. So as far as that website was concerned thats all a woman has to worry about, so it seems that this is why women worship their husbands because sheikhs feed them this. For many of us self respecting muslimahs who have alot of self worth, this is where we draw the line because we as womens should be judged according to our deeds not primarliy whether hubby was happy or not i mean does islam give that much power to a man? Allahu Alaam
One more thing i love meeting salafi women like yourself who dont fit that status quo of downtrodden female no offence but i have met many salafi women in my time and their lives scared the living day lights out of me wallahi. So its refreshing to meet such a assertive woman like yourself. Allah be with you
salam,
The Qur’an is protected and so is the Sunnah (i.e. authentic ahadeeth). We can’t pick and choose…and the ahadeeth were NOT compiled several generations later…anyone who has this misunderstanding, please refer back to the compilation of ahadeeth.
If people have abused some ahadeeth by misinterpreting them and using them to satisfy their own desires, so have they done so with the many veres of the Qur’an. Does that mean we start denying them as well?!
May Allah azzawjal guide us and give us the correct understanding of His deen.
One more thing, it irritates me when only Muslim women are shown as ‘abused’ women in the media, as if Western women are protected and in good hands!
“On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day.”
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/
why dont’ they reach out their womenfolk first.
But, YES and unfortunately, this problem does exist among Muslims as well. Perhaps, it is in the nature of men to be suppressive and it is in the nature of women to be abused but the cure of it is in Islam, unfortunately, many Muslims haven’t used It properly to cure this disease…
Muslimah95, subhanallah, you hit the nail on the head!
Umm Reem,
I completely agree that Islam is the answer, when it is taught properly. There are so many brothers who use Islam to support their abuse. Again I blame most of the leadership, they rarely truly honestly deal with Tazkiyatul Nafs with men. I think every single Khutbah and halaqa should be about this but things are so superficial and brothers just want to get hyped up over politics and not about changing their hearts and character.
Musleemah95 - AMEEN! Finally a voice of reason.
Umm Reem - hadiths are not protected. They weren’t even compiled during the prophets lifetime. If you sit and read through the collections, in the book of …. you’ll find numerous contraditions. Even the Prophet himself said, I am a man (HUMAN), They hadith can’t even come close to the Quran.
Women are abused period, and I would suspect more Eastern and Muslim woman are abused than westerners because of the cultural stigma. Do you not realize how difficult it is for some women to get remarried, even if she’s a widow? Shelters are full of abused Muslim women, they are not the minority umm reem.
Let’s be real, if a sister in another country is thought of as being unchaste she’ll be killed ALTHOUGH ALLAH SAID, do not accuse a chaste woman of a adultery. He even said fornicators are for fornicators, and adulturers for adulturers, YET the hadith contradict this and say to kill the adulturers (so how can they be for each other?) (this is called reading comprehension, we don’t have to be a scholar to understand otherwise the majority of us here would not be muslims because we wouldn’t have been able to understand what we were reading — we are no longer in church people).
I assume the arabs are racist because the hadith says a sign of piety is a pale face,
Umm Abdullah, I totally agree with you. There should be more on Tazkiyatul Nafs I double, triple that
Bint Will, the hadeeth did start compiling during the life of Prophet Muhammad (saw). The contradiction depends on the time/reason (sabab) of nazool (revelation). Just like there are certain verses in the Qur’an that seem contradictory but it is only through thorough study and tafseer and the ahadeeth that we reconcile them.
Please read Jamal Zarabozo’s book ‘Authority of Sunnah’. InshaAllah I will post more names of the books…
Yes, I never disagreed that Muslim women are abused. But so as Western women (go through the statistics if you wish, the site I posted above).
It is not our culture only, but it happens every where (THREE WOMEN die everyday in United States out of domestic violence!!!!). It is wrong to blame Muslim men alone for this behavior. Rather I say, it is all men but the cure resides in Islam. So if a man becomes a ‘Muslim’ and adopts the ‘ISLAMIC’ way of treating his wife, then he will stop abusing his wife otherwise he will continue…
Mercy - I completely accept that hadeeth regarding obedience to the husband as truthful. A righteous Muslim husband has the right to enjoin his wife and children with good and he shouldbe followed in that goodness. Key word here is goodness. Oppression, abuse, plain old stupidity is not goodness. Every right has stipulations in Islam. Furthermore the nabi (saws) said that there is no obedience to one who calls for the disobedience to Allah.
I don’t buy that the hadeeth of pleasing your husband which is simple one means of attaining jannah (IF all of your other obligations with Allahuta’ala are in order) fosters husband worshipping! Pleasing the husband is something that we as women are naturally inclined to do when the husband is handling his own obligations. But we aren’t seeing that.
We see the weak and most ignorant from amongst us who aren’t receiving their rights to maintenance, love and protection from their own men who have talk the most about what other sisters should or should do in their own homes with their husbands. From my observation of these sisters they do this (usually) because they are lovesick over their men, not Allah. Some are accoustomed to being on the sidelines or sharing men from the dunya (and this is from the born Muslims and the reverts) or receiving minimal support. They do what they know and because they know it well they encourage it.
Bint will - you might be exagerating a bit in the eastern stats,ukhti. I live in the Middle east and I can tell you that many young women here are turning to the sunnah, stepping out of their cultural boxes and are fiercely focused much more on educating themselves than their western counterparts. I see sisters hustling Mashallah to get themselves together. Education is far more accessible for Muslim women in America than it is in the lands of the Muslims but I wouldn’t be suprised if there were more sisters in college in my neighborhood here than say in any heavily Muslim populated inner-city in America.
And while it is hard for divorcee or widows to wed here, you hardly see these sisters selling themself short. Most would rather do without than marry someone who isn’t financially able to help support them and their children. In the states once a sisters gets a baby or two and a divorce under her belt she acts if she can only attract downtrodded Muslim men and she accepts them with wide open arms.
Overall, I find the mindset of sisters here refreshing. Talk to any sister and they’ll tell you openly that they want change and are willing to work for it. Back in the states this type of topic will get you labeled a deviant!
Umm Reem - there are very few published stats regarding abuse in the Muslim world, thus you can’t compare the US to a Muslim country that doesn’t even find it necessary to watch and track such incidences.
I don’t understand why you want to compare anyway. We’re discussing an issue with Muslims. It’s irrelevant right now how many non Muslim women are abused. The topic is about abuse amongst the Muslims.
The shahadah is not a magic pill. Abusers and the abused become Muslims. Unless they receive professional help that they work through continuously, most Islamic knowledge especially in the areas of adab and akhlaq won’t do them any good.
I still say as sisters we need to help our ownselves. Return to Allah and start worrying about our own standing with Him, start doing deeds for His sake alone and because we need Him. If worship Allah with confidence in His ability and we follow this sunnah as we should Allah will open the doors of ease for us. Theres no need for us to be in the condition we are when Islam is suppose to elevate us and make us the BEST of people. When that doesn’t happen, the cause isn’t from outside.
I am a black native american woman, have never lived in the inner city so I have no clue whether there are any sisters on college campuses there
As Salaamu Alaikum:
Alhamdulillah, here’s a group of Muslims who are taking a stand:
http://www.mana-net.org/pages.php?ID=masjid&ID2=&NUM=4
Ending Domestic Violence in Muslim Families
http://laeeqdesigns.blogspot.com/2007/01/ending-domestic-violence-in-muslim.html
[...] Wife Abuse and Complete Stranger Marriage [...]