Importance of Fathers
Posted on June 16th, 2008 by Tariq Nelson
These days I generally find that Obama is full of crap, but while
Filed under: Children's Issues
These days I generally find that Obama is full of crap, but while
Filed under: Children's Issues
[...] Tariq Nelson is skeptical, pointing out that there’s not much apart from speeches that Obama can actually [...]
As-Salaamu `Alaykum,
Yes, he is following the Bill Cosby discourse of being critical yet not addressing the roots and solutions to the absence of fathers in many Blackamerican homes.
Since he did discuss the need of strengthening families with the father being present, which I’m all in favor of, how does that fits into his view of advancing homosexuality as a normative alternative lifestyle? How does that play out in the homes of Blackamerica and America in general?
He stated:
In the U.S. Senate, I have co-sponsored bills that would equalize tax treatment for same-sex couples and provide benefits to domestic partners of federal employees. And as president, I will place the weight of my administration behind the enactment of the Matthew Shepard Act to outlaw hate crimes and a fully inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act to outlaw workplace discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. As your President, I will use the bully pulpit to urge states to treat same-sex couples with full equality in their family and adoption laws.
http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/alexokrent/gGggJS
Why doesn’t the Black Church challenge this?
Ok So now what. I am one of those single mothers out there and let me tell you father’s day is very difficult for me to explain to myself and eventually to my daughter. The only benefit I have is that like my child, my father was also absentee and so I can relate. My mother couldn’t. So, how do we encourage FATHERHOOD? We all know the issues and we all denounce the lack of solutions, so how about it?
I took my father’s day post down due to some personal reasons however I would like to reiterate the theme. One thing Obama is for is a tax break for father’s who pay their child support. The problem I have with a lot of liberals is they always want to throw government dollars to societal problems like that will solve everything. The essence of the problem is in fact the child support system and custody arrangements done through family courts. All power is stripped from the father he has no say so in the lives of his children he is treated like a sperm donor and a paycheck by the system his only hope is that his ex is reasonable and mature about parenting in separate homes. However the reality is most women are not so reasonable they are vengeful and use the children as pawns not realizing they are hurting the children not the father. More has to be done to empower father’s I know many father’s who want to be part of their children’s lives but have been pushed out by unjust legal system. Empowerment and accountability go hand in hand.
I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t extend my Father’s Day to my dad greetings. While I’m happy that he’s alive, I’m just not feeling him. The years of disappointment have taken it’s toll on me and my sibs.
I think about all of the problems that are/have taken place in my family. One of the problems( or should I say that in many families) is that people want to brush this problem under the rug and not acknowledge the problems that caused them in the first place. That has been the problem with my pops and generations after him. While he says that he will use the government to help with this crisis, but at the end it’s all about the father taking responsibility for their actions.
Good fathers( in this case) or are people who are there for the family in every way and will not make any excuses for not being one. The problem with my folks as well as others is that their definition of dad is about child support, the name and funerals , but that is it. My dad didn’t care if we were dead or alive , yet he wants to be considered to be a ” good” father because of child support.
I often wondered why my father became the man that he is today? Looking back on the family tree.,I realize that there were some struggles with family dynamics before them. Perhaps if families the problems was acknowledged in the past, he would know how to be one. Unless he understands this, and quite making excuses for his actions guys like him will continue to spread that venom that continues to plague my family and the Black community.
But in the end I agree with Tariq we can’t wait for the legal system to reform. While I know there are many women that are responsible and do both jobs, there are also women that are irresponsible they should also be held to account. And if they are not held to account by the legal system than at least they should be held to account in our communities. Many father’s have to fight to stay in their children’s lives our communities need to do more to pressure irresponsible women into taking their responsibilities seriously.
@ Peaches
I am not in any way shape or form for men making excuses but the realities of legal impediments to a child’s life are just that realities. Many women would like to misconstrue these legal barriers are men “whining”. A perfect example is my case and cases even more severe than mine. I pay my child support faithfully I even took the matter to court myself and established legal custody and visitation of my children. Yet even though I am doing everything “legally” within my power to see my children my ex has been actively concealing the children from me. I am not posting this as attempt to gain sympathy nor am I whining about my situation I am describing a reality. When I went to the police department they said it would take over forty violations on the part of my ex for the judge to step in and do something. That is TWO YEARS that my children will be deprived of their father. Outside of breaking the law father’s hands have been legally tied.
The best solution minus legal reform is for people to stay out of the family courts. Even many non-muslim counselors and law enforcement officials warn couples from going to these courts because they are known to be divisive and predatory in nature. I applaud Obama on two points taking the government profiteering out of the child support game and giving men some financial kickback.
A Salaamu Alaikum,
“Yes, he is following the Bill Cosby discourse of being critical yet not addressing the roots and solutions to the absence of fathers in many Blackamerican homes.”
Frankly I don’t have a problem with Mr. Cosby and Sen. Obama in their critiques. For decades Black men HAVEN’T been critical of each other. We get mad at White people for pointing out the very real social ills in our community and then get mad at each other for doing the same thing. Just man up. We don’t already know the roots and causes? It isn’t rocket science. Lack of Education, Substandard housing, lack of male role models in your home and the community, looking at the Men that your Moms has had to deal with because of her own struggles, and throw in pop culture values and false affirmation and you have the seeds of a cycle. It’s basic socio-economics. Now if we want to go way back to forced servitude, Jim Crow, racist media, red lining of homes, good old fashioned overt racism for a nice macro level historical type discussion…sure that’s fine but that won’t do anything for the current state of affairs. It’s great for Buppie convos at Starbucks. At some point you just have to have a discussion about okay this is where we are time to get movin’…The world ain’t waitin’ for black folk to get their acts together. Come on people we been talking about this for decades.
“Since he did discuss the need of strengthening families with the father being present, which I
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum,
There is another issue that is swept under the rug. Namely, Muslim men who act irresponsible and go out and commit the sin of zina and then leave the mothers behind and another child left with no father or one who can or will acknowledge them. Muslim parents have to deal with the pain of their son having committed a major sin which the whole community will know about and it IS a shame upon the family that was supposed to be built upon Islamic principles. Some hard headed rebellious Muslim son or daughter goes out and commits zinaa despite the efforts of their parents. Now the parents…sorry…grandparents are faced with what to do with a biological grand child. On top of it all they are told by some Islamic scholars that the child should not even be recognized nor can they be treated as a child born of a proper marriage because he or she is “waladul-firash”. Well, hello! This is 2008 in the US of A and children out of wedlock are becoming the norm and not the exception.
Since the focus of this is on fathers, those Muslim men who go out and lay down with some kaafir or Muslim woman and “knock them up” without the benefit of halal marriage need a collective knock upside the head for their stupidity. I personally think it is a painful tragedy but at the same time these ‘brothers’ probably also need to step up and support those children they caused from their foolishness. I am naturally inclined to feel it is shameful for such a man to suddenly become religious or repentant and on top of it, still abandon a child on the excuse that ‘Well it was done in a haram way and can’t take my name or inherit like a ‘halal’ child anyway, so later.’ How is this congruent with the Islamic principle of not blaming the child for the act of its parents? It is hard for any responsible person to feel they can just turn their back on such an offspring no matter how wrong the situation was, much less Muslims who feel that to leave any child to kufr and misguidance is a shame and a sin in and of itself. Otherwise the child will likely be raised as kaafir or in poverty or raised on the streets or in public zoos…I mean schools like so many others. I believe this is NOT just an Blackamerican Muslim problem either.
Although I haven’t wished my dad Father’s day, I didn’t take it away from my brother( who was more of father figure than my dad) and other men who fit’s this category.Far as the day itself, it’s not just about the one day ( In general, I’m not into holidays as I see them as forms of capitalism and without cultural merit). It’s an everyday celebration to those father’s who are there for their kids.
I was walking through the streets of Downtown Atlanta and just around other spots near my home. Maybe I’m hallucinating or something, but it seemed that in every corner , there were men with their kids. Everywhere I turned( and continue to turn), men were all over the place ,alone, without their wives/girlfriends( who were probably at work, school, or some other thing). Call me a sucker, but it was an awesome sight seeing this. I just like to see men in this position. Even with him when he’s out with my nephews or his “adopted” son( actually, he’s my eldest nephews friend)
Yes, there may some irresponsible men( like my pops) who aren’t there for their kids,but I guess this is gods way of continuing to let me that every man isn’t like him( my dad).
Rasheed,
Oh no, I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about my dad and other fathers like him who do. It’s one thing for a parents( since the topic is about men folk) to pay it, but it’s another for them to support them the way that children should be supported, by being nurtured. That was the problem I have with my pops. His idea of ” child support “was financial and nothing else.
With some guys , they do make excuses with to be with their kids. With my Daddy Dearest( Please!). He had an excuse for everything. He lied so much until he became a broken record. “I couldn’t be there for you because( fill in the blank with a crazy reason). Even other people who he told this laugh at him because his reasons are not only inexcusable, but just downright funny.With him ,my anger has turned to pure comedy as I continue to laugh at the 1,000,000,1 excuses of why he shouldn’t be their for his kids( and let me add in grandkids, he has nothing to with them either)
Now I will make exceptions to some: The military, dead( brain dead or just dead in their graves), living in another city/state orjust incarcerated, or they just don’t know about the kids. Even with some of these guys( the non-dead ones), They will call their kids and if able to do so fly thousands of miles to be with their ihem. My father only live 5 measley miles( Yep! five miles) from where we are and still don’t call and rarely visit,(but it’s not based on his previous family. )
That is great(thatwanting to do right for your kid), but unfortunate that you’re in that situation. That is the difference between you and my dad. You’re trying to do your duty in every aspect, but he isn’t.
Assalaamu Alaikum,
Custody issues are hard. I’m sure some women deprive their ex-husbands from seeing the kids out of spite. But the reverse is also true. Often it’s misperceptions between the parties.
Sometimes my ex-husband will call up out of the blue, want to see the kids and then refuse to listen when I tell him that we had prior plans, or the kids are about to go to sleep, etc. and just scream that I am depriving him of the kids. That’s not even me saying “no”, just me mentioning the fact in order to possibly start a discussion leading to an alternative arrangement.
When the kids are waiting for him to pick them up on the weekend, it becomes an anxious time for the kids wondering if he’s going to come, he’s going to call, or not. If he didn’t come, why not? If he did come, when are they coming back? This is very stress-inducing for young kids.
It is very chaotic to have a whole plan set up for the kids; they’re dressed ready to go; have gotten excited about the plan for days (going to a movie; visit to grandma’s; playdate or what have you; weekend class), and then literally 5 minutes before you go out the door to have the father ringing saying you all have to drop everything and have the kids come over to me.
Even beyond the disappointment, the kids have asked me in tears how are they going to explain to their friends, teacher, relative, etc. why they didn’t show up?
Think of the child now having to explain that my dad wanted to see me - this revealing that the parents are divorced or in an odd arrangement. This seems like a silly issue, but the kids are very vulnerable to having to expose this to others.
This has nothing to do with them loving their father or not, or me wanting to disrupt their relationship. It has everything to do with understanding the reality of kids’ lives, their experiences, and how this kind of chaos affects them.
How to explain to a father that the kids are stressed, or that you just can’t pull the rug from under them by a no-show or a show up out of the blue; without it seeming you are trying to keep the kids away, or criticizing their parenting?
Every weekend the kids ask - starting midweek - are we going to see dad. It is never clear.
I definitely want the kids’ father involved. It is their right. However, fathers (like my ex) have to make some effort to understand the basic needs of kids, beyond financial, and not feel like structure (and kids need structure) or planning or discussion is emasculating.
Some men do not accept any other answer except “yes”. Whatever the whim of the moment, “yes.” Anything else - even a hint of anything else - is perceived to be a call to arms.
Well, I’m not sure where they ever learned that life is like that. That other human being are supposed to just bend completely and utterly to their wills.
This is in fact a child’s point of view. When fathers act like children who want their minute to minute whims satisfied - and believe that paying child support earns them that right - that is a problem.
I’m not down on fathers. I’m sure even fathers who lie do so because they don’t want to hurt their kids. I know my ex-husband does so because he cannot really handle the kids’ disappointment. It is not to be mean. It is not out of lack of love. He will promise to take them places and then not do so - it really hurts them. But I know he wants to make them happy, that is why he says those things.
I’m not perfect. I may renege on promises to the kids. However, I see them more and so these times are relatively small. Whereas time with their father is less, so every interaction counts for more in many ways. The promise betrayed hurts more from him because it stands out.
I think fathers should know what kind of dad they are and what they can realistically handle. To be there for your kids solidly every Wednesday evening (for example) for 2 hr dinner and have a great time, is much more beneficial imo than every weekend being a game of will-he-show-up-or-won’t-he - maybe see him 2 days that week, maybe none.
It is the same concept as the consistent deeds that Allah SWT loves.
Fathers - we need you. Your kids need you. As an ex-wife I truly honor and admire and appreciate the financial support; I could not support the kids without that. I always tell the kids they need to respect their dad.
My final 2 cents - do extremely well what you can do with the kids. Hold the small commitments to them and then grow them from there.
May Allah forgive us and guide us.