What is Friendship?
In my life - in many cases - I have expected too much from those I thought were friends. About 13 years ago, I met a man named Uthman. For a few years we used to talk and do activities together. In my mind, we were friends. However, I would find out later that I was sadly mistaken.
One day, I heard out of the blue that Uthman had gotten married, had a big reception with friends of his ethnicity and did not even tell me he was engaged - much less invite me to the wedding and reception. I was very hurt. I could not understand. When I spoke to him about it, he was very confused at my disappointment and told me that since we were from different countries (he only invited those of his ethnicity) he figured that I would not want to attend. After this conversation, it was very clear to me from then that Uthman did not see me as a true friend - at least not by my definition of friends. I was just some guy he spoke to every now and then. At the end of the day, I blame myself for misjudging the situation. Or perhaps I should blame myself for not being a good enough friend to Uthman that he would have thought of me as a friend. Either way, it was a very discouraging experience.
There is a difference (at least in my mind) between a genuine friendship and a shallow acquaintance. An acquaintance is superficial, surface-level conversation. You ask how the kids are doing (without really wanting to know). You ask about the weather and how life is. Even though you say “everything is fine”, the world could be collapsing around you.
A friendship on the other hand is genuine, heart-to-heart sharing and caring. Friends get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives. They share and reveal some of their deepest thoughts and feelings, acknowledge their shortcomings, admit their fears and weaknesses, and ask for help. It is an authentic relationship that normal human beings need - at least one. We all need mercy, because we all make mistakes and need help staying on track. We need to offer mercy to each other and be willing to receive it from each other.
Many will wear a mask to keep their guard up, and act as if all is perfect in their lives when in fact things are falling apart. This attitude should not be present in a real friendship. It is natural to hide one’s flaws, failures, hurts, and fears, but we need someone to share our inner feelings with.
As I reflect on the past 14 years of my life, authenticity is the exact opposite of what I have found in many of these relationships. Rather than environment of honesty and humility there is pretentiousness and shallow conversation. A real friendship should be about giving and receiving, sharing responsibilities, and helping each other. Engaging in a friendship requires courage because it means facing our fear of rejection and being hurt again.
Whenever you’re hurt, you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy for some sort of payback or for solving issues? We can’t do both.
There is a healing aspect to forgiveness - even forgiving ourselves. It is a struggle to do it, but it is something we must do. We should try to forgive whether a person asks for it or not. Forgiveness is letting go of the past.
Filed under: Reflections
Bro Tariq I felt the pain of your words and I wanted to share with you some wisdom from the Gospel of Barnabas where according to tradition Jesus (PBUH) was reported to have said about the value of a true friend. I pray Allah that you find these words helpful.
“But the friend is a singular thing, that is not easily found, but is easily lost. For the friend will not suffer contradiction against him whom he supremely loveth. Beware, be ye cautious, and choose not for friend one who loveth not him whom ye love. Know ye what friend meaneth? Friend meaneth naught but physician of the soul. And so, just as one rarely findeth a good physician who knoweth the sicknesses and understandeth to apply the medicines thereto, so also are friends rare who know the faults and understand how to guide unto good. But herein is an evil, that there are many who have friends that feign not to see the faults of their friend; others excuse them; others defend them under earthly pretext; and, what is worse, there are friends who invite and aid their friend to err, whose end shall be like unto their villainy. Beware that ye receive not such men for friends, for that in truth they are enemies and slayers of the soul.
‘Let thy friend be such that, even as he willeth to correct thee, so he may receive correction; and even as he willeth that thou shouldest leave all things for love of God, even so again it may content him that thou forsake him for the service of God.
`But tell me, if a man know not how to love God how shall he know how to love himself; and how shall he know how to love others, not knowing how to love himself,
Assuredly this is impossible. Therefore when thou choose thee one for friend (for verily he is supremely poor who hath no friend at all), see that thou consider first, not his find lineage, not his fine family, not his fine house, not his fine clothing, not his fine person, nor yet his fine words, for thou shalt be easily deceived. But look how he feareth God, how he despiseth earthly things, how he loveth good works, and above all how he hateth his own flesh, and so shalt thou easily find the true friend: if he above all things shall fear God, and shall despise the vanities of the world; if he shall be always occupied in good works, and shall hate his own body as a cruel enemy. Nor yet shalt thou love such a friend in such wise that thy love stay in him, for [so] shalt thou be an idolater. But love him as a gift that God hath given thee, for so shall God adorn [him] with greater favour. Verily I say unto you, that he who hath found a true friend hath found one of the delights of paradise; nay, such is the key of paradise.’
Thaddaeus answered: `But if perchance a man shall have a friend who is not such as thou hast said, O master? What ought he to do? Ought he to forsake him?’
Jesus answered: `He ought to do as the mariner doth with the ship, who saileth it so long as he perceiveth it to be profitable, but when he seeth it to be a loss forsaketh it. So shalt thou do with thy friend that is worse than thou: in those things wherein he is an offence to thee, leave him if thou wouldst not be left of the mercy of God.”
There is a big difference between brothers in Islam and friends in Islam. All the Muslims are our brothers and sisters, but not all of them are our friends.
Uthman seemed to be your brother in Islam.
Someone who assumes that we cannot be friends–no matter how much we share–because we are different ethnicities has serious issues.
While I strongly empathize with everything you say in this, I have also learned in my life that sometimes we expect too much from people.
When you feel you’ve been deceived, maybe that person just fell short of your expectations. If you feel they were pretentious, maybe they found you to be that special that they were driven to overstate themselves. If someone is trying to impress you that means they find value in your appreciation. Its not always deception or pretentiousness. In a strange way its a form of benediction
As for “Uthman”, maybe he himself finds gatherings of his own ethnic group annoying and didn’t want to subject you to them and their annoying quirks. Coming from a family of Desis, Arabs, and Afghans I can tell you that all these ethnic groups can be extremely annoying at times. Many of them can be extremely racist and, knowing that, he might have even been trying to protect you.
if you try to think of things in a positive light. There’s always a positive way of looking at things and it is also the Sunnah. Husn al-Dhann.
Allah knows best.
RE: “Bro Tariq I felt the pain of your words and I wanted to share with you some wisdom from the Gospel of Barnabas where according to tradition Jesus (PBUH) was reported to have said about the value of a true friend. I pray Allah that you find these words helpful.”
Subhanallaah! How is it possible that a Muslim is using a narration from the Gospel of Barnabas, as a proof for anything!?! What is this!?!
The Messenger of Allaah (not Daud) said in a well-known hadith,
Let me clarify that I am not saying that Uthman was a bad person
I don’t think you made Uthman out to be a bad person in any way. At least that’s not what I understood.
I think Husn al-Dhann goes beyond just preventing ourselves from incriminating others. I think part of Allah’s Hikmah in it is that it protects us from being hurt by perceived (correctly or otherwise) injustices committed by others.
I’ve been in your shoes many times, and still find myself in those shoes even now. Having “religious” friends and “irreligious” friends, I find myself being unacceptable to either. To my “religious” friends, I’m not “religious” enough. To my “irreligious” friends, I’m too “religious”. So most of the time they have their gatherings without me and I do feel hurt. Then when they see me, they have a big smile. I sincerely believe that they are happy to see me, but they are just oblivious to the fact that I feel excluded by them.
The best thing I can do for myself is to excuse these things that hurt me and therapeutically explain to myself what I am explaining to you right now. Actually, all of this is being written for my own self-help
This hit straight to my heart. As a white guy married to an Arab woman, my wife and I find it hard to get together with people we have something in common with.
My wife was raised most of her life here in the USA, so she doesnt fit so nicely with Arabs, of course nothing needs to be said about the white convert in the wider white community.
Most of the pool for us for potentional friends usually ends up being immigrant Muslims, the problem is there, that since both of us are essentially American, some cultural practices bug us to no end, ie “Jamile Kadaba” and “kalam fadi”. Why not just say what you mean? Why have to make flowery lies to smooth out a situation, or even for no reason at all?
Then you get into the issues of an inter-racial/ethnic marriage, that makes it harder as well. Islam is supposed to be a religion where race means nothing, but try telling that to the Arab men who talk behind your back because you married “one of theirs” but at the same time would jump through hoops of fire to marry your blond sister.
It is frustrating, so I have ended up expecting absolutely nothing. It is easier that way.
Tariq -
I know it is hard not to take actions like that personally. Uthman obviously did not mean anything personally. Even if Uthman would have invited you to his wedding that alone does not mean he considers you a true friend.
The definition of friendship with AA has to be defined in context with those people’s wider relationshiop with people of African descent around the world.
We have to be realistic about these circumstances. I have on occasion been invited to dinner and lunch for various reasons by people of other ethniciites when visiting their masjids. However, I understand the culture of false hospitality is just that a softening up process that may lead to my eventual slaughter.
Remember many tribesmen and bedouins have invited people into their homes(tents) only to go slaughter those they have invited to their most personal affiars.
Southern hospitality is the same sort of vehicle.
We cannot be naive and romantic about some pseudo-muslim brotherhood. Do not be bamboozled.
We need consistent proof in people’s behavior all-around before we give them the benefit.
Salaam
Salaam
Salaam
@ Blakoak777
I wanted to let you know that I appreciated your post. I
Even though I may cordially refer to some people as my ” friends”, I also tell people that I know a lot of people, but have very few friends. It’s not that I’m some kind of loner or that I’m antisocial( may be too social at times), but the truth is that it’s not as easy distinguishing friends from the acquaintaces as both can have the same qualities. This an issue that many of us struggle with.
If we’ve known a person for 14 or more years, we would probably see them as their good friends. After many years of interactions, we get comfortable enough to consider people like Uthman to be in that catergory. Who would have expected for him to say /do anythining like that?
As a person who had a very grugeoned heart, I’m convinced that forgiveness is the key to having a prosperous life. It’s not easiest thing to do and will admit to where I have some of that ” residue” on me, but it’s not to the point where I would roll my eyes in disgust and not speak a word to them if they spoke like I did in the past. It made me feel better to know that I can get on my life and not let the other person control me.
Far as Uthman, It’s unfortunate that he let his cultural values impair his better judgment.Hopefully, he’ll value the true meaning of friendship.
@ SisterSeeking,
Islam abrogated all that came before it, including all other scriptures. Your statement, “…I
@ Daud
as-salamu `alaykum, brother Daud,
SisterSeeking’s statement was not kufr, nor even close to it. Please don’t make takfir, explicit or implicit, without the knowledge to do so.
The previous scriptures are referred to in `Ulum al-Tafsir as “al-Isra’iliyyat”. Shaykh Ibn `Uthaymin says about them:
?????????????:? ??????? ???????? ?? ??? ??????? ?? ?????? ??? ??????? ?? ?? ????????.? ?????? ??? ??????? ??? ????? ??????:? ???????:? ?? ???? ???????? ???? ???? ??? ???.?…???????:? ?? ????? ??????? ???? ????? ??? ?????.?…???????:? ?? ?? ???? ???????? ??? ?????? ???? ?????? ???
“Al-Isra’iliyat: Reports narrated from the Children of Israel from the Jews as they are mostly these, or from the Christians. These reports are categorized into 3 categories: 1) What is confirmed in Islam. These are true. 2) What is rejected by Islam. These are false. 3) What is not confirmed, nor rejected by Islam. For this silence is obligatory.”
You will find this mentioned in the chapter of Usul al-Tafsir by Ibn Taymiyyah which is usually included in most prints of al-Qurtubi’s Tafsir in the Arab world.
True, the Gospel of Barnabas is pretty much proven to be of spurious origin, not withstanding is frequently glaring contradictions with the Qur’an and Sunnah (It rejects Jesus as Messiah, etc). Yet, the sister didn’t say anything about the Gospel of Barnabas. A previous commenter did.
So, please, lighten up on the sister. She didn’t do anything wrong.
@SisterSeeking
Sister, I applaud and commend your thirst for knowledge, but I think you can find all the water for your thirst in the Book of Allah and the Wisdom of His Last Messenger (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam). Whatever was of benefit from the previous scriptures is confirmed in those two sources.
Allah knows best.
Let’s take this back on topic. Sorry, bro Tariq.
To Daud and other “haters”
If anyone has read a casual reading of the Gospel of Barnabus one can find that it the reported sayings of Jesus clearly supports the Qur’an as well as EMPHATICALLY states by name the coming of Mustapha the chosen one as well as mentioning the name of Ahmed ( Muhammed)BY NAME, as well as Gives him just honors and reverance. If you doubt what I say you can read the entire gospel online.
I chose those words because I saw them to be soothing comfort to what seemed like a troubled heart. Last I checked Jesus (pbuh) was a Muslim Prophet as well.
Get a grip PLEEAASSEE.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@ SisterSeeking,
Alhamdulillah may Allah aza wa jal reward you, for your idea for a “FORGIVENESS CAMPAGIN!” I think that would be great.
I’m not there yet, Sorry, the reality for me personaly, is that I can not forgive people (Muslims or otherwise) when they don’t even attempt to right the wrong they created, though I’ve allowed Muslims get away with doing things to me that I would never allow to go un retaliated if a non-Muslim had done it. I tell them, I’ll see them on yaumul qiyamah when all debts will be repaid.
I’m not saying wallow I in self-pity by not forgiving them, I’m saying keep it moving. Like “yeah, you got me this time but you won’t get me again” type vibe. I don’t have to forgive a fool in order to keep on with my life.
@Tariq and @Shibli
It is not expecting too much to expect some form of reciprocity from those whom we befriend or assist.
When I address this issue with Muslims I usually get “well if you didn’t do such and such for the sake of Allah then you shouldn’t have done it or if you did it for the sake of Allah then you can’t complain because your reward is with Allah” or something similar,
well I’ve come to the conculsion the people who are more apt to say this are often the very ones less likely to assist someone or even in place themselves in a position to assist some else.
The prophet has provided the list of situations in which you can observe someone’s character, so take it as you see it, an excuse or forgiveness shouldn’t be granted when someone has clealy wronged someone and not attempted to make an apology and/or restitution.
A Salaamu Alaikum,
Subhanallaah! How is it possible that a Muslim is using a narration from the Gospel of Barnabas, as a proof for anything!?! What is this!?!
The Messenger of Allaah (not Daud) said in a well-known hadith,
[...] his beautifully written post titled, “What is Friendship?” Tariq Nelson shares the pain and disappointment he experienced when his friends [...]
As salaamu alaikum.
This was a great post, masha Allah Bro. Tariq. I am going through some friendship trials at the moment, as well as some anger issues. Your post is inspiring.
@ Blackoak777 - Thanks for sharing that wisdom brother. If we read Bro. Tariq’s post and other opinions about friendship, and take wisdom from these comments, I am sure we can read a passage from the Gospel of Barnabus and find wisdom in it.
The Prophet Muhammad said,
Concerning Blakoak777
He began his initial post stating,
“…where according to tradition Jesus (PBUH) was reported to have said about the value of a true friend…”;
as well as
“…Jesus answered:…”
These statements from that book can not be attributed to Isa (alahi salam) because there is no isnaad. It is not a part of our Islamic tradition, because no one can prove Isa (alayhi salaatu wa salaam) even said the things attributed to him. The statements in the book wouldn’t even reach the level of a weak hadith because there is no isnaad, so it would be considered mawdoo i.e. fabricated! Yet, we have a brother using it and a sister saying it’s ok to use it. This is incorrect.
Concerning SisterSeeking
If you re-read my post, you will see that I specifically cited, and copied SisterSeeking’s statement I disagreed with,
“…I can take from the Jesus of the Gospels, or even the rabbi
Book burning Daud? You’re placing yourself in the great company of Adolf himself now.
Go and find that hadith you mention, and see whether it really does mention tossing the Torah into the fire (it doesn’t). That is, if you don’t burn it first.
Sister seeking, the forgiveness campaign sounds like a plan! Insha’allah I’m going to work on forgiving myself and others.
I ditto that!!
Wisdom, generally defined in the Shariah as, putting things in their rightful place, can only be found in the Book of Allaah and the Prophetic Sunnah.
Okay bro.
First of all let me thank all of the “thinking Muslims” on this discussion who had the wisdom and the intellegence to put my comments in their proper perspective; that is to offer, I repeat WORDS OF WISDOM to brother Tariq with the intent of soothing the enormous pain that the brother was feeling in bearing the hurt of what he percieved as a betrayed friendship.
Second to brother Daud:
Your comment reeks of a self-serving narcissistic mental pathology when one deconstructs the framework of your argument. I have observed your comments on previous blog discussions and have notices a distinct pattern. You come here not offer any words of enlightenment but you bring nothing but arrogance and argumentation wrapped in the language mantra of “Qur’an and Sunnah.
Since you are so fond of quoting hadith hear’s one that you might want to chew on:
Salaam
I feel profound sadness for all of you Muslims who are filled with such negativity towards your fellow Muslims. If your experiences are so bad, is it possible that you contributed to that? In any case, Islam is a religion of community, not individuals. I have strong bonds of sisterhood with many Muslims. I’m sorry that so many of you seem to be missing that, and are so cynical about Muslims in general.
Muslimah,
Clearly you missed the point of this post. I find your dismissal of real experiences to e quite condescending. You should be grateful that Allah blessed you with real friendships, because in truth this is the condition of a lot of Muslims in America. Tariq’s post was not a message of cynicism about Muslims in general, but one of honesty, healing, and hope. Tariq, and many others, are taking responsibility for building real relationships with their fellow Muslims. Finally, I’d say that it seems as if your sadness is not coming from empathy or even sympathy, but rather from condescension and a bit of self righteousness.
Muslimah,
I’d also feign to add that Tariq never mentioned that this issue was limited to being friends with Muslims. The example he had given certainly was of another Muslim, but based on my life experience, I have seen similar stories repeated amongst Muslims and non-Muslims.
Salam `alaykum,
Sooner or later you’ll realise what I came to realise at about 18- friendship doesn’t exist.
And it’s yourself you should be angry at, for being so easily deceived. The only way a guy can redeem himself is to give up on the idea of friendship. That’s what I did two years ago, and I haven’t looked back.
I felt the same thing not regarding Tariq’s post.. but the comments to this post. So much negativity, self-righteous and finger-pointing of a ‘I’m right and you’re wrong vein. So caught up in defending our respective honor that we forgot about Bro Tariq. Have we forgotten that Allah(Swt) HATES the one who argues and spreads fitnah?
I get it.. a few days before Ramadan and shaytan was most certainly busy. InshaAllah we all will (mainly myself) take a break from our computers and work on being better kinder muslims. Not because we feel some ‘deserve’ our kindness but because Allah(swt) loves it.
@Bro Tariq - I have experienced a very similar situation that you described. I’ve tried to always live by the saying (and tried to take to heart no matter how painful) I am *always* thankful for the truth. The truth was a relationship was misinterpreted, or so it seems. Alhumdulilah you were shown another side to this relationship.. better that day than 5 yrs later or never. Alhumdulilah because of that you have reevaluated your other relationships and inshaAllah will have *better* relationships because of this. As the saying goes..’nothing bad happens to a believer’. Alhumdulilah you were shown the ‘truth’ and may He reward you with better. Ameen
Ramadan Mubarak
[...] Friendship/Brotherhood/Sisterhood is something that can be only acheived when people are honest with each other no matter what race. This is something I think that Azhar is getting at here. Pretending will NEVER produce real friendships and relationships. Real relationships are not about being on some mission to shoot everybody down or to straighten everybody out, but to love them and travel with them in their life journey. Share moments of joy. Feel their pain. None of this can happen without authenticity. [...]
Salaamualaikum,
With great interest I read your post here. Friendship can be tricky, you can see it one way and the other person sees it exactky different.
It is concievable that Uthman felt that you would be uncomfortable, or that people would treat you badly at the wedding. I do have a question, did you discuss it with him and get a firm resolution? Only after doing this can you really be sure what sort of status the two of you have.