“Lollipop Head”
Posted on May 17th, 2009 by Tariq Nelson
This post is funny (and you know it’s true)
Filed under: The Culture of Denial and Pretense
This post is funny (and you know it’s true)
Filed under: The Culture of Denial and Pretense
As-Salaamu ‘alaikum,
No it isn’t; it’s full of crass generalisations and stereotypes.
Don’t know where to begin with it, really, but it’s rubbish from start to finish.
(And yes, I do know who the author is.)
Nothing wrong with stereotypes and generalisations if it is true, and it is in this case.
“This post is funny ”
Not really. It’s actually a cheap form of cynical, postmodern deconstruction . Anyone half as smart as this lady can make snarky remarks about the shortcomings of others. It’s actually a waste of her talent.
No to mention that it’s ghiba at best, anti-thetical to the sunnah of our Prophet, salAllahu alaihi wasallam and in bad taste by the standards of our American culture.
Also, the accompanying photogrpah is a feeble attempt to shock, ala sex pistols era album cover art.
No — it really is funny. Perfect send-up of the Online Ummah ™, which has bored me to tears for years. You people getting all mad offended about Lollipop Head giving her opinion straight instead of pussy-footing it around in mush-mouthed Muslim cliches are the worst of the lot.
But your kneejerk reactions are only to be expected, sadly. Better to tear down Lollipop Head than to admit that there may be truth, however sarcastically written, in what she says. Takfiring (however obliquely) and sadly tsk-tsking is the stock-in-trade of the Online Ummah. Another reason to stay the hell away from you bunch of hypocrites.
Lame
Better to tear down Muslim Bloogers than to admit that there may be truth, however pedestrian and unoriginally written, in what they say.
Ooooh. Burrrrrrrrrn.
lol.
I am going to have to remember the term “Muslim Bloogers” for future use. It’s so close to “Muslim Boogers”. It is, without needing to go into why, perfect.
She’s right.
What the Ummah definitely could use right now is some more Muslim LOL cats….and more cowbell (awww, just google it if you don’t know).
Seems the original post has been removed. All this comment fun fo naught.
Be well, S.
i dont get it. i may be a little out of touch.
It was meant, I think, to be funny.
Oh flip it, I will paste it below (you know, nothing on the internet TRULY gets deleted). If Tariq allows, we can continue this very very very important topic about how our blogs are very very very important, and how we as bloggers are very very very important. I speak as the second best Muslim blogger last year, on the blog of Tariq Nelson(TM) the best rated Muslim blog last year, but then again, indigo jo, who did the first comment, was the best european blog from last year, so it means us award-winnning bloggers can’t see eye-to-eye. Hai, what hope is there for the rest of the Ummah? Aaargh, I need some lolcats.
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Original Post from ‘LOLLIPOP HEAD’
==============================================
Dear Muslim Blogger:
As the Ummah’s Official Championship Blogger (now in retirement), I have been prodded to distribute some of my deep wisdom. This is because I still, from time to very rare time, read blogs and am growing ever more bored with them. You people are way off your game.
Using my many years of experience as the top Muslim blogger (let me take THAT to the bank), I have compiled this list of sure-fire, no-fail official Muzzle blahgging topics. You will notice that very rarely do our Muzzle blahgs deviate from these topics. If you wish to have any Muslims read your work and pat you on the back, you only need to follow my suggestions carefully and soon you will build up a following. No, it won’t be original, but who wants to be original?
You may blog, as often as you wish, on the following topics only. You are given a diverse range of topics to choose from. The more creative of you may wish to combine these topics into a new topic. Please note that deviation from these topics is not allowed. Also, one should maintain the proper attitude towards these subjects. At no time should one expect anything new and groundbreaking to be said, nor action to be taken towards change and development and progress. In fact, we are sure that progress is something that teeters on the edge of blameworthy innovation.
- Hijab. Super bonus points if you are a man telling women how to dress. That is teh awesome.
- Music. Pro or con, but if you’re con, remember to throw a lot of Qur’an and Sunnah at people telling them that their ears will turn into rotting pus bags and fall off their heads if they listen to a single note of musical instrumentation or something along those lines. But please, if you’re going to go this route, make sure no one ever finds out that you are iTunes’ #1 downloader of Pearl Jam and Young MC tunes.
- Warning: (Product X) contains non-zabiha animal products!!! Usually followed up by a very quiet apology for the misinformation one posted after one received a fwd from one’s cousin or friend or imam.
- Our corrupt, terrible society. Note: This can be about either the Western country you live in or any Muslim country. Double points if it is about both.
- The oppression we live with living in the richest, most affluent, free societies in the world.
- How it is totally wrong, or at least marginally dubious, for us to live in these terrible societies, but there is no way in hell we’re actually going to move to a Muslim country for more than a year or two because we’re not suckers! Cuz dude, those Muslim countries are hellholes, and we happen to like having indoor plumbing.
- We are totally spoiled as Westerners, and we are absolutely disgusted by it. Now excuse us as we leave our high speed internet connection in our heated home and head off to have a caramel mocha frappuccino as a means of dealing with this anxiety. And maybe a massage of some sort, as this sort of guilt really lays heavily on our shoulders.
- I am American as apple pie! Or Canadian as hockey! Or British as spotted dick! Or Australian as a koala! This works better if you are one of those types who insists on wearing an over the head abaya or a thobe, gives your children impossible to pronounce names, and in other ways, constantly gives the impression that you would much rather be lounging in a goat hair tent in Arabia than living in your illegally subdivided flat in Philadelphia / Brixton / Sydney / Toronto. And of course, double chocolate mousse bonus points if you write posts like this and then walk around with a foreign accent which leads people to believe you are from some other country. Especially if you were born and raised in Newark, NJ.
- Women and the masjid
- Muslim women marrying non-Muzzle dudes. Take the pro or con position. Cons usually need to go one better and speak out against Muslim men marrying non-Muzzle women, otherwise you look sort of sexist. Also, be sure to throw in plenty of Qur’an and Sunnah that sound sort of like you are condemning these women to the everlasting and very hungry flames of hell without condemning them outright. This gives you room to wiggle when your sister comes home married to a Christian guy who is, surprise, a pretty nice dude who treats her way better than that cousin who was downloading sheep porn that your parents were pushing her to marry would have. Remember, unlike women and the masjid and hijab, this topic has not quite been driven into the ground yet!
- Motherhood, mash’Allah, it is the highest, most bestest thing a Muslim woman can do and we would really prefer it if it was the only thing she did. Although we will grudgingly accept Muslimas as teachers and OB/GYNs.
- “Natural parenting”. Attention niche bloggers (er, I mean, niche within a niche bloggers) - here is where you can make a big difference knocking down others in the name of Islam. Schooling, vaccinating, bottle feeding (at any time, including supplements), epidurals, using OB/GYNs, etc. - all of these are the hallmarks of the mainstream culture of the shaytanic kufar (oh feel the many topics coming together). This works super best if you can manage to twist some ayat, hadith, or scholarly rumination into making it seem as though women who send their kids to pre-school after having vaccinations are sending their children on the playtime path to eternal hellfire. If you can convince people that homeschooling is the only Islamic option, midwifery and homebirth are for the “true mu’mina”, and that babies should ideally be breastfed until they are 24 months (”although some scholars have supported breastfeeding as long as 5 years”), then you will truly be deserving of some sort of reward.
- “I don’t wear niqab, but I support people who do.” Because my opinion matters that much. Do not mention that this is about as sensible as saying, “I don’t wear booty shorts, but I support people who do.” Saying the latter will upset Muzzles who do not actually expect anyone of us to support the right of people to dress as they will - only that others should support the right for hijabis to wear hijab. Saying the former lets people know you would never actually wear that thing, but you do support the right of others to, as if this means anything at all. It is one of the most meaningless things you can say as a Muslim blogger and still feel like you are saying something important and meaningful.
- How mean someone was to me, and it was definitely due to the fact that I wear a scarf and not because I was completely obnoxious to someone, or stepped on their foot, or cut in front of them in line or they were having a bad day. No. They are all RACIST.
- MY IDENTITY! There are so many things you can do with this one which is by far the most popular blogging topic of our Gen-X Muzzle blahgers. We seem to be unable to get over ourselves as Muslims. Your nationality, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, sect identification - all of them are ripe for the pickin’s. Remember, you are always to speak “as a (white / black / South Asian / British / con/re-vert/ Californian / Sunni / Sufi / gay / etc) Muslim.” Make sure to remind people, over and over again, that you have an identity and you’re not afraid to wave it around.
BONUS points to white people blogging about being white and how they are now “Othered” even though, of course, white Muslims are still white and unlike, oh say, Black or South Asian Muslims, have the option of taking off their scarf and blending in completely. Double bonus points to whites who have been “othered” and now claim the authority to tell blacks / Latinos / Arabs / South Asians all about themselves and what they’re doing wrong. Super triple bonus points to gay White Muslims. I take off my hat to you. However, trend setting bloggers should note that “my identity” is overdone, even gay Muslim and white Muslim blogging, and especially convert blogging - even gay white convert blogging has been done. You need to come up with a fresh angle for your precious self or leave this topic to the latecomers and third rate bloggers.
- I am Muslim, dammit! You’re Muslim, you’re angry about it, and you want everyone to know you’re angry. After all, Islam is a form of primary protest against the system! Never mind that the 60s have been over for 40 years. Fight the power!
- “I don’t support terrorism, but…” You need to be careful with this one, because these topics often draw the attention of people you don’t want reading your blog, such as World Nut Daily, Jeehawd Watch, and the FBI. This means you and your fans may often get dragged into long comments threads arguing with people. Remember, you need to take the “I don’t… but…” tack. If you go with “I don’t support terrorism, because…” be prepared for a backlash - from your fellows. Terrorism is bad, but capitalism is worser. What kind of Muslim unilaterally condemns terrorism, rather than qualifying their condemnation of it with a condemnation of the West (preferably the US)? You get super duper triple bonus points if you are a woman and write about the “benefits” of the Taliban or the Islamic Courts / Shabab movements.
-Complaining about how no one ever “talks” (ie, blogs) about anything else, like art, scrap booking, poetry, gardening, health care, or firefly racing. Please note you are only to complain about the lack of other topics out there. Don’t actually go out and start writing about them. That will make you original and thus boring to your readership. People want to get riled up and / or feel good about themselves. Firefly racing is not going to cut it!
But did you know that these days, you don’t even have to write original content in order to be a semi-popular Muzzle blahger? That’s right! For you “web 2.0″ bloggers, here are some special topics just for you!
- Mash’Allah, check out this amazing nasheed / lecture / recitation of Qur’an set to footage of sunsets video. (Note: You can run an ENTIRE Muzzle Blahg on YouTube clips!)
- Notes from the latest Islamic lecture or even better, transcribed from a CD or Mp3 (Note: You can also run an entire blog on this stuff. You can really go to town and mix it up with YouTube clips!)
Please, for the love of all that is good, do not actually do religious blogging. The truth is that these posts are terribly boring, and no one reads them. We read blogs to get riled up, to laugh, and for LOLCat inspiration. Everyone secretly believes that people who post on religious topics are self-righteous prigs, and when I say everyone, I mean everyone. Including the sister whose blog is called something like Super Niqaabee, Mash’Allah, for the Love of the Sunnah! If you do not believe me, and why wouldn’t you, you can start monitoring blogs that post mainly religious topics, note how few comments they receive, and see how quickly pretty much all of these blogs go dead or disappear. We are more enamored by the idea of Sufi mysticism, for example, than reading mystical poetry on some dude’s blog. We would much rather he re-hash some controversy involving Sufis than share some Sufi wisdom.
Now you have benefited from my deep wisdom. Go little grasshoppers, and populate blogistan with self-important rantings about your precious egos — er, I mean, identities. And bring me a frappuccino.
OMG, she IS the Oracle!
*humbled*
Where’s my sense of humour?…
OK, so we’ve all seen that the person formerly known as Umm Zaid has dispensed some of her “pearls of wisdom” - a list of stereotypical blog topics that, supposedly, are all we Muslim bloggers ever write about (toxic waste dumping off…
The good news is that Allah judges us by our intentions not what so and so says.
“Filed under: The Culture of Denial and Pretense”
Too right.
Well, I’d serve her up some m’jederah with a side of Dr. Pepper.
Guilty to all of the above! White, hijab, mosque, white privelege, white as other - what kind of Islamic feminist would I be without?!?
Gee, I seriously miss that woman!
Now I must go forth and argue with a blogger who won’t let go of near daily posts about the necessity to wear clothes UNDER your jilbab -
ciao
Well, what was her blog about?